Sort of like Lindsay Lohan providing advice on how to remain abstinent from substances.

Basically, me describing theories explaining how I have screwed up relationships so when you do you can say, “Oh, that’s what Berry meant!”

The quote above, credited to “Anonymous” in the Interpersonal Communication Text I use to teach the course at Nova, is quite a profound thought. I’ve used it in the “Thoughts For…” section of my blog. I have decided to put that section to rest. This blog will discuss why and how it relates to the quote above, as well as what else is going on in my life leading to that decision.

I debated on whether to write this, and on how much to disclose. I am a therapist and adjunct professor, and as such, am supposed to keep a professional image. That, along with how writing might affect others, combining to compel self-preservation, curbed any desire to write on the topic in the recent past. Additionally, in practicing “Right Speech” I’m working at not talking so much. In Right Speech the goal is to refrain from speaking unnecessarily. With some of the reading I’ve been doing, it becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is and isn’t necessary. In fact, in reading Camus combined with recent events in my life, I’m beginning to feel there isn’t any necessary speech, unless it is to comfort another. I’m not at all sure this blog will accomplish that.

So that brings me to the explanation for feeling the need to use this quote again, and to write this blog. The more experience I gain in life and as a therapist, the more I believe we tell ourselves stories; that our “truth” is merely a product of our perceptions, which are colored by our experiences, which are filtered through our state of mind. By the time we accept it, it is no more the truth than any fictional story. Yet we buy into it wholeheartedly. Sometimes, we don’t even live the words we claim to be our truth.

Lately I have been dealing with one such story I’ve told myself, bought into, and wholeheartedly believed. My story has to do with love, and love lost (or killed, or a complete deluded idea to begin with…depending on my state of mind when you ask and your perception of my words). I won’t bore anyone with the details here, and previous posts will likely have made it pretty clear. But alas, it is only my story. As such, it is also unreliable. We all have our stories, and perhaps part of our misery is in believing them so fervently.

Camus, in his writing, puts forth that all we can really know is ourselves, all else is conjecture. He also discusses how we attempt to explain everything in theoretical terms. In my next article (hopefully posted to Psychology Today in less than two weeks) I will discuss how this applies to psychology, and how we might all just be better off realizing there is no clear cut meaning to things. This is what I am trying to grasp and apply.

At the same time, my job as a professor, my writing, and a speech I am giving at FIU in February on “Love, Sex, Relationships: Expectations and Reality,” require me to put forth theories, understanding, and answers to those seeking knowledge. You can see my quandary.

But in reality, how many are really seeking knowledge? I am becoming more and more convinced that the majority claiming to seek knowledge really won’t accept anything that contradicts their already entrenched beliefs. I am consistently confronted with people contradicting the knowledge they claim to be seeking. I’m not simply talking of any expertise I claim to have; I am talking about even the greatest minds on the subject. But hey, after all, even Buddha said, and I paraphrase, don’t accept anything from anyone, even him, that you don’t try and feel to be true. So, yet another paradoxical quandary: we shouldn’t accept knowledge that doesn’t ring true with us; yet we should continue to seek knowledge to understand ourselves; but that understanding of ourselves may be the exact thing standing in the way of increased knowledge. Geez.

So, I guess what I am saying is I have my story. Right now my story includes a feeble attempt at Right Speech. Yet at the same time I will make pronouncements regularly of knowledge I claim to have gathered, including all of the so called knowledge I am imparting above. This knowledge may or may not apply to you, and even if it does you likely will not apply it. And in truth, just like everyone else, I am probably just full of shit.

Photo by Alexi Berry

My latest post for Psychology Today, about how our New Year customs mirror existential thought, can be read here.

Photo by Alexi Berry

27. I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. Lao Tzu

22. Forget relationships and learn how to relate. Osho

If you haven’t read it yet here is an article about love and relating by Osho that everyone on the planet should read.

14. Sometimes you make the most rational decision you can make based on emotion. Wm. Berry

10. Do not speak unless you can improve the silence. Proverb

I’m quite sure I’ve used this quote before, but it remains relevant in my life. I have been struggling with “Right Speech” for what seems like a very long time. I am a talkative person, and quite impulsive (or spontaneous if you want to put a positive spin on it). This has resulted in difficulty in being quieter, with practicing Right Speech (which includes less unnecessary talk). And silence can be such a beautiful thing…

Recently I was nominated to be the speaker for the “What Would You Say” once a year lecture at FIU. I was truly honored to have been nominated. This week I found out I finished in the top three, but will not be this year’s speaker. I believe it is for the best, as I need to practice what I preach more before addressing another audience.

I’ve also been feeling like everything has been said. As I explain in my article “The Need For Repetition In The Game Of Life” sometimes we need to be reminded of how to get where we are headed, as we often lose our way on the path. But at times I feel like a hypocrite. I often fall very short of what I propose leads to self actualization or enlightenment. And sometimes, as I said in “Is Psychology Helping or Hindering Your Enlightenment” we overanalyze everything and miss living in the moment. We would all benefit from just “Being” more often.

So, basically, I just spent another three paragraphs (and two links to articles) explaining why I need to be quieter…quite the paradox, and quite a glimpse into why it is so difficult for me to practice Right Speech.

7. All the Buddhas of all the ages have been telling you a very simple fact: Be – don’t try to become. Within these two words, be and becoming, your whole life is contained. Being is enlightenment, becoming is ignorance. Osho

1. All humans are frightened of their own solitude. But only in solitude can we learn to know ourselves, learn to handle our own eternal aloneness. Han Suyin

Photo by Alexi Berry

This is my latest post for Psychology Today. You can read it here.

30. Acceptance is the very essence of the Tao. To embrace all things means also that one rids oneself of any concept of separation; male and female, self and other, life and death. Division is contrary to the nature of the Tao. Foregoing antagonism and separation, one enters in the harmonious oneness of all things. Lao Tzu

27.  A true spirituality will have you continually facing your illusions and all the ways you avoid reality. Adyashanti

26. However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? Buddha

21. What we call normal in psychology is really a psychopathology of the average, so undramatic and so widely spread that we don’t even notice it ordinarily. Abraham Maslow

Click here to read my article about this.

18. Much of the time, more words are not the answer. Wm. Berry

I haven’t been that into putting up quotes lately. I’m not sure I’ll even continue it much longer. Although I claim to be working on Right Speech, and especially the being more quiet part, I continue to fail miserably. I talk way too much. At the same time, I know that much of what I say is unnecessary. Much has been said before. And in the times my speech is at its worst, it is because I believe just explaining things a different way will lead to the solution. The truth is, sometimes there isn’t a solution. Sometimes things are just broken, or in disarray, or clear communication of the idea isn’t the problem. Or maybe there is some other obstacle that more words will not overcome.

Last week I received an email from FIU’s vice president of student programming council. The email informed me I’ve been nominated to be their speaker for the What Would You Say Lecture this coming year. (It is based on “The Last Lecture”). I feel incredibly honored to have been nominated, and wonder what I’ll say in the unlikely event I am chosen by popular vote. I believe I will start with wondering why, with all the talking I do, anyone wants to hear any more from me. In the meantime, I’m going to try to go back to working on Right Speech.

15. Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles – a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other – that kept me going. Hunter S. Thompson

Thanks to Beatriz for posting this quote.

13. You have two choices: to control your mind or to let your mind control you. Paulo Coelho

11. Often the story we’ve told ourselves overpowers the present. Wm Berry

10. The selfish, they’re all standing in line

Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time

Me, I figure as each breath goes by

I only own my mind

The North is to South what the clock is to time

There’s east and there’s west and there’s everywhere life

I know I was born and I know that I’ll die

The in between is mine

I am mine

And the feeling, it gets left behind

All the innocence lost at one time

Significant, behind the eyes

There’s no need to hide

We’re safe tonight

The ocean is full ’cause everyone’s crying

The full moon is looking for friends at hightide

The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow’s denied

I only know my mind

I am mine

Pearl Jam, I Am Mine

9. Everything is imaginary, especially what you love. Bright Eyes

7. Sometimes things don’t get fixed, we just learn to live with them broken. Wm. Berry

6. It is highly significant, and indeed almost a rule, that moral courage has its source in identification through one’s own sensitivity with the suffering of one’s fellow human beings. Rollo May

3. What words are resonating with you today? What is going on in your mind, when you slow down and observe it? What wisdom is already there?

For me, it is this lyric by Bright Eyes. The Song is At The Bottom Of Everything:

2. The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don’t wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy. Thich Nhat Hanh

I have been surrounded by suffering lately, as I said about a week or so ago. For whatever reason, I have been more in touch or in tune  with others suffering. Sometimes there is really nothing to say or do, other than have compassion. Feelings must be felt, must be dealt with. The process of suffering must be honored. We all suffer. We all try to be happy, as I quoted yesterday.

The other day I was going through some of the quotes I’ve been posting for over a year now. There is so much knowledge contained there. At the same time I wonder if the best thing to do isn’t to just shut-up. Sometimes I feel as if everything has been said. Maybe it is time to be quiet. Maybe it is time to just reflect on the all the words, all the quotes, all the knowledge we all have attained. Or perhaps to just put all of the knowledge aside and just be: Be happy. Or be with our suffering. Or a little of both, mixed together, as life often is.

1. Remember, we all want the same things: to be happy and be loved. The Dalai Lama

I read this over a year ago, (although I can’t find the source). It was from four suggestions The Dalai Lama made regarding being more compassionate. I wanted to start the month off with this quote, with this idea: Perhaps I am taking it a step further, but we should just remember that no matter how people act, their simple goal is to be happy. Every single person is just trying to bring happiness into their lives, no matter how dysfunctionally they are trying to do that. Understanding it may help you distance yourself from their act, from any slight you might feel. Try to remember that today, and maybe all month, or maybe every moment for the rest of your existence.

Photo Credit Alexi Berry

This is my latest post for Psychology Today. You can read it here.

Photo by Alexi Berry

31. Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. Alexis Carrel

30. Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape. Charles Dickens

29. I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing. Anais Nin

28. If you dwell only in your suffering you will miss paradise. Don’t ignore your suffering but don’t forget to enjoy the wonders of life, for your sake and the benefit of many beings. Thich Nhat Hanh

I liked this quote for today. This week I’ve been in contact with quite a few people expressing their suffering. As I have written you have to honor your feelings, your pain. But you can also enjoy the wonders of life for moments in between.

27. The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves. Allan Watts

26. …when we finally know we are dying, and all other sentient beings are dying with us, we start to have a burning, almost heartbreaking sense of the fragility and preciousness of each moment and each being, and from this can grow a deep, clear, limitless compassion for all beings. Sogyal Rinpoche

25. The mind may be said to be of two kinds, Pure and Impure. Driven by the senses it becomes impure; but with the senses under control, the mind becomes pure.

It is the mind that frees us or enslaves. Driven by the senses we become bound; master of the senses we become free. Those who seek freedom must first master their senses.

When the mind is detached from the senses one reaches the summit of consciousness.

Mastery of the mind leads to wisdom. Practice meditation. Stop all vain talk.

The highest state is beyond the reach of thought, for it lies beyond duality.

These are versus 1-6 of the Amritabindu Upanishad.

24. In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom. Buddha

22. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. Lao Tzu

21. People have different natural characteristics. You cannot make a gregarious person live like a hermit or make a solitary person into a chatterbox. But all extremes, such as absolute solitude or continual company, are unnatural and should be avoided. Chuang Tzu

I chose this because part of my work on right speech is geared at making me quieter. Although I still believe it a good goal, I need to remember I will never be the silent type.

20. Something too hard snaps. Something too soft folds. Too much kindness becomes weakness. Too much discipline becomes harshness. Too much love becomes indulgence. Too much punishment becomes cruelty. This is why harmony is best. Lao Tzu

19. If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation. Lao Tzu

18. Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?

It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will.

A statement endowed with these five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people.

Vaca Sutta: A Statement. Translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu

Quotes on “Right Speech” are hard to come by. This might be it for now. Hopefully I can apply it without quoting it daily.

17. In one moment of quiet, you have experienced Tao firsthand. Deng Ming-Dao

This is accomplished after you have stopped talking compulsively, and then moved beyond thought to the silence that lies beneath the chatter. But I wanted something on being less talkative, so…

15. Before you speak ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, it is true, does it improve upon the silence? Shirdi Sai Baba

I’ve been on a Right Speech kick (but doing horribly at it, although maybe there has been some minor improvement). This is the perfect quote for it, and maybe if I ask myself this some of the time, there will be more improvement.

14. We are not made to do one thing. We are made to do one thing at a time. Lou Marinoff, Ph.D, Plato Not Prozac

13. The very act of being fully present in our lives is spirituality enough, for being present is to acknowledge that everything is spiritual. Deng Ming-Dao

12. The true opponent in a debate on emptiness is your own ego. Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche

11. Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. Spencer Johnson

10. To be completely honest with yourself is the very best effort a human being can make. Sigmund Freud

9. Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes. Alan Watts

8. Truth is victorious, never untruth. Truth is the way, truth is the goal of life, reached by sages, who are free of self will. The Mundaka Upanishad

7. Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. Steve Jobs

To understand why he said it, watch the commencement here.

6. You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever — because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path. Steve Jobs, 2005 Commencement Speech at Stanford

5. Let not then the fruit of thy action be thy motive; nor yet be thou attached to inaction. Bhagavad Gita

4. We’re all in this together now, as we all fall apart.And we’re swapping little pieces now, of our broken little hearts. Dr. Dog, Jackie Wants a Black Eye

3. If you fail to achieve freedom in this life, when do you expect to achieve it? While still alive, you should be tireless in practicing contemplation. The practice consists of abandonments. “The abandonment of what?” you may ask. You should abandon all the workings of your relative consciousness, which you have been cherishing since eternity; retire within your inner being and see the reason of it. As your self-reflection grows deeper and deeper, the moment will surely come upon you when the spiritual flower will suddenly burst into bloom, illuminating the entire universe. Wu-hsin

2. Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is. Eckhart Tolle

1. Put this question to yourself: should I use everyone else to attain happiness, or should I help others gain happiness? The Dalai Lama