Special thanks to the editor of this review.

Most who have taken a psychology theories class in college have heard of therapist Irvin Yalom. He is one of the leading writers on Existential Therapy. His book “The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy” is owned (because it is required reading) by every therapist I know with a graduate degree. Not only is Yalom the master therapist that I most respect but he’s become one of my favorite authors, and more so after reading his fictional novel, The Schopenhauer Cure.
The Schopenhauer Cure centers on a therapist that finds out he’s terminally ill and so begins his quest to obtain the answers that will impart the meaning of his life and the need to continue his work until the end. He seeks out past patients, hoping they will provide him affirmation that what he did for them had mattered eventually, even though it had not at the time. After reconnecting with a patient he had treated for years but who did not improve, the two begin to build on a renewed professional relationship.
Alternating chapters integrate the story of the German philosopher, Arthur Schopenhauer, into a seamless narrative that relates back to the therapist and the group he is counseling. Schopenhauer’s intelligent and articulate musings, while pessimistic, educate the reader and allow insight into one of the members. With the therapist’s approaching death one processes this inevitable occurrence and the experiences one might expect as life slips quickly away. With a spattering of Buddhist philosophy Yalom’s literary style has meshed the works of these great thinkers into a glimpse of the lives of individual group patients; to showcase group therapy work at its best. It is a totally thought provoking, entertaining and engaging read.
I am an existential therapist, I council groups and I basically adhere to the Buddhist philosophy so this book directly related to what I love. I generally don’t read fiction novels, sticking more to the academic, so I’m uncertain if there would be appeal to a wider audience. However, The Schopenhauer Cure does seem to offer all the elements that make a great peruse; a storyline that touches on the tense and sometimes heartbreaking fragility of the human psyche, believable situations, and touching moments as relationships are explored. Additionally the book was recommended to me by a client who studies literature. I found the book engrossing and would particularly recommend it to my fellow therapists who would enjoy seeing our chosen career portrayed in fictional literature. And I would endorse it for anyone that has even a remedial interest in philosophy and appreciation for authors that can spin a tale with characters you’ll find yourself caring for.

I was born in 1960 to working class parents. My dad was a truck driver, my mom a homemaker. I was the oldest, and following four years of being an only child, my sister was born. About 10 years later another sister was added to the Egareva family. My childhood didn’t have any significant events worth mentioning. Of course there were family arguments, fights with my sister, parental marital discord, but most of this was considered normal.

Bleeding hearts would say I was abused. Conversely, many of that era would say I was disciplined according to the times. Religion dictates “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Despite the physical punishment some would still consider me spoiled.

Whatever led to my trouble, it seems inconsequential now. Or perhaps it was rather destiny. That is for you to decide. In my teens I became very rebellious and began drinking alcohol at 14. I quickly graduated to marijuana, and by 16 was using nearly every substance I ever would: paint thinner, methamphetamine, Quaaludes, Valium, Percocet and codeine. With the substance use came more trouble, driving violations that would result in a suspended license, petty theft, arrests for assault, and other public decency offenses all culminating in a few nights here and there in jail.

Then I found myself at a crossroads. The path I was on was killing me, and although I wasn’t abject to dying, I felt this was a far too painful and torturous way to go. Something inside of me wanted to go on, and to find the good in life. After some counseling I was introduced to other philosophies including metaphysical, occult and naturalistic. I eventually gravitated toward Eastern ways of thought. I also embraced the classic masters like Plato, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Marx, James. I found similarities in their different philosophies and they all appealed to me. I began consuming this literature and my transformation began.

First, I became stoic about life, less involved and more detached. I intellectualized everything, and felt above the normal life most led. I found it took a lot to pry me from this superior (at least in my head) way of being. I required great tragedy to feel, or great elation. Otherwise, I remained detached and felt this was being the “Buddha”.

After a while this detachment felt more like a depression. It seemed I craved the strong emotions to feel alive. I returned to reading, and was introduced to Ikkyu, a Buddhist master who felt a way to enlightenment was to engage in things other monks felt apprehensible. This way seemed more invigorating. Other Zen books, when interpreted in this light, made this life seem like the correct choice. I became more alive, embracing the moments, making impulsive decisions and letting what I thought was the flow of the universe, the Tao, guide me.

It wasn’t long after this transformation I found existentialism in modern words, through the work of Irvin Yalom. Again, much of the existential writing coincided with Buddhism. Embrace the moment, take responsibility for your life, do not work for rewards in the next life, and find your meaning in this life. I became a born gain existentialist, denying the existence of any higher being, seeing those that chose to believe this way as less enlightened, and attempted to educate whoever would listen to the virtue of the present.

Though I kept working my job at the warehouse, I hungered for more knowledge. I took a couple philosophy classes at the community college. I kept buying books on enlightenment, Eastern religions, and spirituality. I read everywhere: on breaks at work, after work, small captions before work, even on the toilet. I meditated in the morning and again in the evening. I went from eating massive hamburgers with bacon to a vegetarian diet. I cut down on sugar and cut out caffeine. I continued to embrace life, to live in the moment, and to find the balance between detachment and being immersed in life. I was self actualizing moment to moment, and being the best person I could be. I was so close to enlightenment I could taste it. A professor commented on what a positive energy I bring to the class, to the discussions, to what seemed everything. People at work started coming to me for advice and guidance. Some wanted to know how it came to be that I was so happy.

I imagine when they found the body I used to inhabit on the bathroom floor it looked like any other, save the Sanskrit words tattooed that many would mistake for women’s names: Tanha (craving) on the right ribs, Anitya (impermanence) on my lower left back. The coroner would say it was a heart attack, probably too many years of eating poorly. No one would know the truth until their time came. Next to me was the tipping point that resulted in the culmination of my enlightenment. Page 32-33 of Stillness Speaks by Ekert Tolle:
The egoic sense of self needs conflict because its sense of a separate identity gets strengthened in fighting against this or that, and in demonstrating that this is “me” and that is not “me.”

The very moment I read that passage I began to feel one with all that is. Although I had had this experience before, this time it grew inside of me like never before. I attained satori, I attained enlightenment. But unlike all Buddhas I did not renounce nirvana until all sentient beings are enlightened. I stayed. Since I did, you never will get to hear this story.

Image by Alexi Berry

I have been ruminating about death. Perhaps it is one of the books I am currently reading, “The Schopenhauer Cure” by Yalom. Or maybe it’s the continued failing of my senses (I walk around with cheater glasses on while at home almost the whole time. I can barely read a text on my phone without getting closer to the sun for direct light). Perhaps it is the frequency with which I have been visiting heights, and the impending threat of sky diving. Or, perhaps it is in my nature and existential leanings. Whatever the reason, I am ruminating.
Most of my readers know that I believe it is important to remain aware of your death. The point of this article will be to discuss balancing the morbidity of focusing on your death and utilizing the thoughts to keep you motivated to live life to its fullest.
In my most recent article I discussed loneliness and the death instinct. It seems it relates to my ruminations about death as well. In that article I discuss Freud’s death instinct, which is also identified as aggression. In its most damaging incarnation it is what pushes the individual to their own destruction. I have often felt my own death instinct is over active at times. This would purport an explanation of the insanely risky behavior of my youth, as well as some of the risky decisions I make today (I have been pulled over twice in the last 3 months for failing to wear a seatbelt. No other violation, just the seatbelt). Additionally it would help to explain why I have been so focused on my own demise lately.
My personal ruminations have dealt with my fear of being dead. I have thought of what it will feel like to die, knowing I will never see my loved ones again. I have thought of who would really care, not in a self pitying manner, but in regard to those who were once close and who have drifted so far. I mean think about it: how many people have come and gone in my life, with my thoughts we would forever be attached, as they interested me so. Yet they are gone from my life now, as I am sure I am from many others. I have wondered what people will really say about me, what they really think about me. I try to have this question answered while in relationship with them, but the truth may not be always spoken. I think of how my children will be, if my youngest would be forever scarred if I died by my predicted age of 50 many years ago (he would only be 9). Of course these ruminations are sad.
What is to be done with these ruminations? Many people avoid thinking in such a way. Many find it morbid. Many find it depressing. And perhaps it is. But it is a necessity according to many existentialists. I am not sure these ruminations are totally healthy. In many Eastern philosophies (and in a movement in this country by psychologists) just being with your thoughts and feelings and determining what use to make of them is what is to be done. The good that can come from it is the embracing of life that can come from the motivation it provides. Additionally it is important to embrace all aspects of life and not avoid what we usually feel to be unpleasant.
In the book I am currently reading by Yalom, the fictional main character is an existential therapist who is told he has melanoma and has about a year of healthy life left. Admittedly I have not yet finished the book, but thus far it is excellent (I will likely review it in an upcoming blog). It explores this therapist facing death, dealing with his clients’ reaction to it, and follows some of the other dynamics of therapy. Beyond that there is a client who goes on a retreat to a Buddhist ashram.
The main character looks at what he will do with his remaining year and decides to do what he loves, continue to work with his clients. I know I bring this up a great deal, but I love what I do. Sure, there are quite a few things I’d like to do if I knew I was dying: see Europe, China, Japan, South America, maybe live on a island somewhere, just relaxing, reading, writing. But likely I would slow down working a little, but continue to teach and see clients. First, I don’t have the money for world travel (although I could just backpack). Second, I think I would be bored just relaxing on a beach. Third, although I tend to be pretty self-contained and self-sufficient, I value the human connections that I have.
This brings me to the point of the ruminations, and how one can make use of them. I recently read an article by Jon Kabat-Zinn about how our technology is keeping us from really attending to those around us. This is often true, even for one who attempts to educate others about the risks of this. My work keeps me busy, and at times my son is playing video games I’ll squeeze in some work. The ruminations help me to realize these moments with him will never happen again.
As I said at the beginning of this article there must be a balance when thinking of the impermanence of life. Too much and it is depressing and may leave you immobilized. Too little and its avoidance and will not motivate you to embrace the moments. But, as one of my tattoos says, Memento Mori: remember your death.

Photo by Alexi Berry

Recently someone requested I write an article about loneliness. I wasn’t sure what to write. Then I watched the first season of “Californication” and was feeling a little down myself and figured I could parlay that into an article.

First it is important to identify two types of loneliness. People can feel lonely because they are missing someone or are simply alone when they would prefer to be with someone else. The other type of loneliness is more pervasive and is felt even when in the company of many others. As both types can be distressing, this article will briefly discuss both.

First, there is real benefit in being comfortable alone. If we accept this as true it may indicate an issue if you are feeling uncomfortable when alone most times. It has long been my belief that in life we try very hard to avoid the fact that ultimately we are alone. We are born alone, we live alone in our skins (meaning no one really knows us completely, and no matter how close we are to someone we are ultimately alone) and we die alone (no matter who is there when you take your final breath or who attends your funeral). Sometimes when you are alone for a period, this ominous feeling can come upon you reminding you of how alone you are.

In existential therapy, you would be encouraged to experience this sense of solitude from everything and accept it as reality. Time alone can assist with this experience. At the same time I believe it is best to have balance in your life. This means not wallowing in this sense of aloneness, and instead sometimes distracting yourself from it by being with friends or otherwise engaged in activities that allow you to feel connected to others. I believe there is a balance between our being solitary and at the same time connected. But many existentialists would disagree. Regardless of the method, it is important to accept the solitude nature of your existence (which is described above).

The other, more pervasive, feeling of being alone is more pathological. Although accurate, it seems to feed upon itself and render the individual depressed and isolated. This individual feels alone even when in a crowd. It often seems no amount of contact can bring the person out of this feeling. It is my opinion that this form of loneliness is derived from depression. In this regard, I believe this type of depression stems from the death instinct. Freud was the first to identify the life and death instinct that he believed existed in all people. The life instinct was the libido, and one result of its energy was to bring individuals into fruitful contact. This doesn’t just refer to procreation, but to survival of oneself and the species. We need others to survive.

The death instinct, or aggression, is more destructive. It seems in many people this death instinct is overactive, and leads to self destructive behaviors. For some this is demonstrated in the social isolation that results in loneliness. On one hand the individual longs for contact with others, and on the other the thought produces anxiety or, in another scenario, the person uses defense mechanisms to make themselves superior and can then find few worthy of close contact. Either way the result is the same: an individual who remains isolated and alone.

So what is to be done about loneliness? First, as I hope I have made clear, one should at least attempt to embrace the fact that ultimately they are alone. Second, they should make the effort to connect with others, despite full connection being impossible (yet often longed for). The connection people can experience together can be very powerful, and help to provide energy to the life instinct. The problem with this culture is that often people aren’t really connecting, instead they engage in pseudo-connections. These pseudo connections may be demonstrated in compulsive or empty sex, superficial relationships, internet networks, and other unfulfilling endeavors. Human connection is wrought with potential problems, but it is the best source of connection we have available. The problems of human relations can be overcome, or at least managed. The first step is to really listen, and to seek to be understood. Often, for people that cannot find a suitable partner for this endeavor therapy will assist in both meeting the need initially and providing guidance in making this happen outside of the therapeutic relationship.

This seems so simple: when pervasively lonely simply connect with others. But there are often an array of issues that inhibit the simple solution. These can range from a debilitating depression, generalized anxiety, or social awkwardness, among other things. However, the ability to connect with others is vitally important to a happy and healthy life. In most studies on happiness supportive relations are identified as important contributors to happiness.

One final point is important to make: in this culture there is a tendency to idolize the melancholy and the loners, at least by some people. Hank Moody in “Californication” is self destructive because he lost the love if his life (the mother of his child). He sleeps with many women and drinks excessively in an attempt to escape the loneliness he is feeling. Despite spending much of his time with others he seems hopelessly alone, misunderstood, and depressed. Perhaps this is why so many people feel connected to his character. Of course this character is not the only one idolized who experiences this. The list is extensive. This can be another obstacle to breaking free from the death instinct. But in reality, death will eventually take you. Why not embrace your life while you can?

Recently I was driving with my sons and I allowed my oldest to choose the CD we would listen to. He chose “Darkness on the Edge of Town” by Bruce Springsteen. After a song or two I asked him if he was depressed, because that CD is particularly dark (although much of Springsteen is similar). He replied that he was not at all. I discussed with him the fact that I know most of the words because I used to listen to Springsteen non-stop. I reminisced about how in my late twenties I ran into a girl I dated briefly at 18, and as the light bulb came on for her about whom I was, she bellowed “Yeah, you’re the guy who always listened to Springsteen”. All of this got me thinking about how I was when I was in my late teens and early twenties, and what changed.

I remember knowing all the words to many Springsteen songs because I thought he so accurately caught the tone of life. His songs are filled with lyrics about muddling through life, being full of despair and anger, and finding short relief in women, cars, or friends. The tone is always reflective of a dark life. “Life is hard” is evidently Springsteen’s credo. At that time in my life I agreed wholeheartedly. Life sucked. I hated my job, my life, everything. I couldn’t really stand most people. I believed life would stay this way. I probably believed this because my parents felt similarly, or at least my interpretation of their behavior led me to believe so. It seemed to me life was drudgery, and there were brief respites found in whatever activity was fulfilling enough to distract a little from the drudgery, monotony, the malaise of real life.

I recently had a 21 year old client say to me “What if this is it? What if life doesn’t get any better?” While discussing personal growth in a class recently I asked about 90 students the same question. Almost half said it would be terribly sad if this was as good as life gets. This seems to indicate that they may have similar views of life to those described above.

So what changed? Well, I went through some life problems that pushed me toward personal growth. Even then I maintained the same attitude toward life; it’s hard, you escape the difficulty a little when you can, and that has to be enough. But those personal issues did lead me to the path that eventually changed my philosophy of life. In fact, that is pretty much what happened. My philosophy of life changed.

My initial philosophy that life is hard is common in this culture. In fact it is common in most Judeo-Christian cultures. In Judeo-Christian religions one’s reward lies in heaven. You are encouraged to face the trials of today and be rewarded in the afterlife. This is partly why Marx called religion the “opium of the masses”. But, this is not a dissertation of the negatives of religion. The purpose of the statement is to simply point out the philosophy of the west and its influence on happiness in general, and mine in particular. I am aware there are many happy Christians and others in the west, so this is not always true. But it can be a contributor to some of the belief system of life being drudgery.

In Eastern philosophy the focus is not on the future, but the present. Mindfulness is about being completely present in the moment, and seeing it anew. Death is a reality, and Eastern religions work at accepting the reality of death and making the most of this life. Even in Buddhism where there may be reincarnation and new lives, the Buddhas deny entrance to nirvana until all beings experience enlightenment. Enlightenment is a here and now phenomenon. They are not working toward a better next life (although this does exist in some sects of the Buddhist religion), they are working on this life being as good as it can be through right actions.

The second noble truth of Buddhism is desire is the root of all suffering. As I discussed in another post (Acceptance) this is directly related to accepting things as they are. And if you do that, you are happier. The second noble truth of Buddhism seems to ring true; desire for things to be any different than they are leads to suffering.

So this explains some of my change in philosophy. The rest of the change comes from taking responsibility for myself and my happiness. This sounds so simple, but can be a bit complicated. First, I take responsibility for my actions. If I am unhappy I take responsibility for that. I realize my happiness is my responsibility. Taking responsibility for your happiness means determining what you can do to be happy, and putting it into action. This requires some sacrifice. Perhaps you will not be as financially secure. Perhaps you will get negative feedback from family or friends. Should you decide not to act on your inclination for happiness then take responsibility for that. If you decide financial security is a value you cannot let go of for your pursuit of happiness than take pride in that. But take responsibility. Don’t blame it on the wife or kids, or the financial times, or whatever. It is your choice. Own it.

Once I figured out what I wanted to do and began doing it I became more and more happy in my life. I wanted to counsel people that had substance abuse issues. So I made sacrifices, and with the support of those around me I did. When that wasn’t challenging enough I went to graduate school, again making sacrifices and with the support of those around me. Then I took a course in teaching psychology and helped out a professor for free to get experience teaching. With her reference I was able to become an adjunct professor. Hopefully with continued drive I will accomplish the other goals I set for myself. But these future goals aren’t what will bring me happiness. I am happy now, and it is because I make myself happy. I love what I do, and want the challenge of more so I go after it. I have a charmed life, one that is a combination of following the flow of the universe and pushing for what I want, in a balance. If what I want doesn’t happen, I adjust to the flow, accepting it is not the time or it just isn’t right period.

In conclusion, the point is that many Americans would be much happier with a change in philosophy. Stop living for tomorrow and enjoy the day. This doesn’t mean act irresponsibly, but instead slow down and appreciate what is in the moment. Set goals and work toward them, appreciating the path along the way. The present is all you have, and you are responsible for being happy in this moment.

Photo by Alexi Berry

A recent topic in my groups has been whether group members are escaping or embracing life. It is difficult to differentiate at times which an individual might be doing. It is my contention that in a large number of cases it is more about the attitude than the activity.

The group where we have been having this discussion is for substance abusers. Recently I wrote a chapter in the book I’m working on about harm reduction and used a similar group as an example for that phenomenon. The reason I used that group as an example is because some of the members were attempting to control their substance use, as opposed to the usual suggestion of abstinence; hence, harm reduction. The example may also serve to describe the difference between embracing and escaping life.

First, I want to make it clear that substance abusers are not the only people attempting to escape life. In fact it’s not even my contention that all substance abusers are escaping life. Many people attempt to temporarily escape their life. In fact, I have spoken with people (who weren’t clients) who believed that their escapes were the only way to enjoy parts of life.

Let us begin by looking at a group of substance abusers as an example:
In this group there are five members. Ryan is in his mid twenties, and his drug of choice was opioids. He drinks a beer, glass of wine, or other alcohol beverage once in a while. In the six months he has been attempting controlled use, he has not become intoxicated. John just celebrated his twenty first birthday. He is also an opioid addict but has decided that using alcohol and marijuana are important to his life. He does become intoxicated, reporting a blackout in his short period of attempted controlled use, along with using marijuana approximately twice a week as well. Joe is in his early twenties and recently became abstinent from all substances. Betty has been abstinent for over three months and is in her mid twenties. Jane just turned 20 and is also abstinent, after having failed at controlled use at another treatment facility.

If we compare Ryan and John we can see the difference in attitude regarding using a substance. Ryan is using minimally, and seems to be using alcohol as a supplement to an already enjoyable life. John is using substances more regularly and may very well be trying to escape what he finds to be a mundane life. When this was explored in group sessions the members appeared to agree with this assessment. Even John admitted it seems like he might be trying to escape life.

The difference between embracing life and escaping life is often simply a matter of attitude. Two events can look exactly the same, and yet one person may be escaping life and the other embracing it. It would seem that over indulgence in anything runs the risk of being an escape.

If we look at an example of a weekend getaway the attitude involved in escape versus embrace may be more evident. Both couples may feel they need a break and to get away from some of the stressors they are experiencing. Both couples may go to an island for a long weekend. What the difference may come down to is the way each couple views the getaway.

Couple one might see this getaway as a much needed opportunity to relax and focus on their relationship for a bit. They may do many of the same activities as the other couple. Couple two might also view the getaway as a much needed opportunity to relax and reconnect. But their perception may be more focused on this mini vacation being what they’ve been working to have for months. They may be dreading going back to their jobs and their “normal life”.

That simple attitude or way of perceiving life is the difference between embracing or escaping life. Many people perceive life as drudgery. This is obvious in the saying “life is a bitch and then you die”. (I won’t offer the alternate male version). A great many people muddle through life looking for the next great escape, whether it is a vacation, a new toy, or a new romance. It is not uncommon to notice people working for some kind of end reward. Many people believe happiness is around the corner, and they never really turn the corner.

A lot of this relates to what I wrote in “The Psychopathology of Normal” which came from a quote by Maslow. And the purpose of writing about it again is similar, the desire for all to find happiness in their lives. In that vein I challenge you to look at your life and determine of you are escaping it or embracing it.

Photo from an early draft of Path to Recovery Workbook cover by Alexi Berry

As many of you know, I have been working on a book combining my education as a therapist, my experience in the field of addiction, and some personal experience to create a book about addiction recovery. You may also remember I recently promised to begin providing some excerpts from it in this new year. This is the first. I wrote this recently when finishing a chapter on family therapy. Although it addresses what a parent of someone addicted might experience, it also relates to partners, siblings, and at times, even the adult children of an addicted individual who might now have taken a parental role toward their parent. Additionally I believe it also relates to parenting in general. I certainly welcome feedback.

One of the biggest difficulties for family members when confronted with someone in their family developing an addiction is with issues of control. This is especially true when the addicted family member is the child, and the parents struggle between what is enabling, what is controlling, and what the best balance is.

I have recently been working with a family that provides an excellent example of this dilemma. In this family there is an intact marriage and three grown children, two male and one female. The addicted individual is the female. She is in her early twenties, and still lives at home, as do all of these adult children. She is addicted to marijuana, and entered treatment as a result of an arrest. She has maintained abstinence from marijuana but has admitted drinking excessively. As she appears to be trying to establish her own identity and also appears to be the current scapegoat in the family, she and her parents have engaged in family therapy.

Her parents are very loving and supportive parents. They had difficulty with their oldest son in the past which resulted in a clashing between the father and this child. But since then they have continued to maintain a close familial relationship. Their love and support for their daughter, as well as their frustration with poor decisions she has made are evident in the sessions.

On one hand, this young adult’s parents attempt to prevent her from further poor decision making by not allowing her to engage in certain activities. An example would be the forbiddance of her getting a hotel to celebrate her birthday. On the other hand, their consequences for her breaking of established rules has bordered on permissive. For example after an incident where she was said (by a brother) to have been intoxicated while expected to drive, the daughter’s punishment of no car was not adhered to. Within a very short period of time she was again utilizing the family vehicle to go out socially.

It is clearly difficult to decide what to do as a parent in these circumstances. And often there is no clear cut correct answer. One of the most important things to do in these cases however is to set appropriate limitations and then stick to them. I am as guilty as the next parent of saying I will do something if a behavior continues and not follow through. Often my threats of punishment are grotesquely exaggerated (making teenage children walk home when being annoying in the car, when the distance is far too great). Often my children meet my punishment threats with laughter, as they know I am kidding, while at the same time expressing my frustration. In my years as a parent I have learned to think about true consequences that I believe are both fair and that I will stick to. In other words, I don’t make serious threats of punishment without the intention and determination to follow through. I once threatened my oldest son that if we (his mother or I) found out again that he didn’t do his homework I would bag up every one of his toys and he wouldn’t have them. The day I did it, (within a week I think) I nearly cried at his anguish. (He earned them back daily by completing his homework). The point which should be obvious is to stick to the limits / punishments you state. This is especially true for addicts.

It seems addicts learn early that the horrible things possible from addiction don’t happen. They use a substance and find it wasn’t as bad as the news, D.A.R.E, or parents and teachers had said. As the drug (or alcohol) takes a slow grip of their lives, many threats are never materialized. Parents or partners threaten to throw them out or leave, but do not. Or they do, but it is temporary, and the addict through promises, charm, manipulation, or genuine remorse makes promises they won’t keep, but which get them back in the house. Although it can be a slow process, and although there are exceptions to the rule, the addict learns many threats can be circumvented. This is part of the reason for which limitations and consequences must be followed through.

Art by Alexi Berry

I figured I’d start with this question, which, according to my experience is one often asked of me for the first few weeks of the new year. And when I answer mindfully I reply “I don’t know, it just started.” I suppose my point is that although I am usually being asked about that one day / night we delineate to celebrate, I believe we should review the year, look at what has been accomplished, and set goals for the near future (the coming year). As this “old year” comes to a close, it is my intention to review my year, as well as to discuss some of my goals for the year to come.

When I look at what I accomplished this year, the first to come to mind is getting my workbook self published (I still haven’t sent the final draft off to publishers, but I will make that a goal for the new year). I am really happy with the final product (if anything is ever final) and those that have purchased it appear to be as well. Another accomplishment that comes to mind is in regard to teaching. In 2009 I taught 14 classes. Of those, at least six were courses I had not taught previously. That is a lot of reading.

As for writing, I published ten articles online. I also wrote 34 additional blogs on my site (not including this one). I started what I hope will be my next published book and feel I’m close to half done it.

Otherwise, my individual caseload increased, and my income can almost cover the money out-going. I passed the licensing exam, and completed the rest of the requirements to become a licensed healthcare professional. And as of checking my status online just last night, I accomplished my goal of being a licensed mental health counselor by the end of the year.

For the coming year I have at least equally lofty goals. I hope to complete the aforementioned book and at least have it out to a publisher. I plan on releasing excerpts on this site, so people get an idea of it. It is the most self-disclosing of my work thus far, so that is a little scary for me too. Along with that I hope to have the workbook picked up by a publisher. Teaching at FIU and Nova will hopefully remain part of my career path. I also hope to become a trainer who can provide continuing education credit to Certified Addiction Professionals.

Additionally my new website zeneveryman will launch in the next couple of weeks if not sooner. It will provide a quote for the day and some discussion of its relation to Zen. There will also be other features that are still being discussed. I’m really excited about its launch, and believe it will help keep me as well as its readers focused on spirituality. I’ve already started collecting some quotes as well as books which will be a resource for quotes.

Personally as always I want to improve my interpersonal relations. I want to be less reactive in relation to others, especially my children. I want to continue to strive for more spirituality, and to continue reading in that vain.

So in conclusion I have to say it was a very good year. And as for the one starting in a couple of days, I can only hope it as productive as this one.

I almost forgot, Best Wishes to everyone for a happy and productive new year.

On this Christmas Eve, I’d like to address “The Reason for the Season”. First, I am not Christian any longer (not for many years). But I enjoy Christmas as much as most I think. And in this quick blog I’d like to discuss why.

First, I’m not sure if many are aware that Christmas has its roots as a pagan holiday. In ancient cultures this time of year (late December through early January) was recognized as a celebration of various Gods and Goddesses. This celebration generally included feasting and gift giving. The Christian religion has often taken pagan holidays and given them their religious meaning. As such, I have no problem celebrating as a pagan.

So for me Christmas is not about any religion. It is about spirituality through being with loved ones and the giving of gifts to those you care about. I personally love finding (what I believe to be) the perfect gift for those I care for. Yes, I ask people what they want. And yes, sometimes I just get them that. But other times I find something I believe is a great gift for them. Sometimes it may not be, but I do believe it is the thought that counts.

This season I found myself wishing to be more spiritual as I fought through parking lots and got nervous about what to give to those I care for. I was sick of seeing the same stores in different places. I was tired of the lack of consideration of others. I was pressed for time and didn’t have faith in the process enough at times. But, as usual, it all worked out.

I sit here tonight, preparing for tomorrow (read {poorly} wrapping gifts, cleaning up a bit {I am a single guy who isn’t too anal about cleanliness}) and thinking how those I love will surround me tomorrow. I think of what this year has brought and what I want to accomplish next year (look for a blog on that next week). And I feel gratitude for my life and those who love me.

Happy Holidays to all.