Photo by Alexi Berry

31. How often each day, if you were to verbalize your inner reality at that moment, would you have to say, “I Don’t want to be where I am”? What does it feel like when you don’t want to be where you are?

In cases where it is not appropriate to walk out, “I don’t want to be here” is not only useless but dysfunctional. It makes you and others unhappy.

It has been said: Wherever you go there you are. In other words you are here. Always. Is it so hard to accept that? Eckhart Tolle – Stillness Speaks

30. Can you walk on water? You have done no better than a straw. Can you fly in the air? You have done no better than a bluebottle. Conquer your heart, than you may become somebody. Ansari of Herat

29. Trouble comes when we are unable to view things with moderation. We all want to be rich, but we don’t want to be poor. We all want happiness, but we shun disappointment.

Opposites are not mutually exclusive but are actually pairs. If we have sadness, then happiness will come too. If we have love, we will also have to deal with conflict. For all of our learning, we will have days where our philosophical outlook will be tried to its breaking point. For all the peace of meditation, we will still have to face work, illness, and stress. There is no path in life that only stands on one side of a pair and never ventures into the other. The sooner we accept- and work with that- the better off we will be. Deng Ming-Dao – Everyday Tao, pg137

28. The very nature of life is impermanence. People will come and go in every life, and although we may want to cling to avoid the pain of loss or for the purpose of security, in the end it is fruitless. Everything is transient. Embrace the flow. Berry

27. Life and love are life and love, a bunch of violets is a bunch of violets, and to drag in the idea of point is to ruin everything. Live and let live, love and let love, flower and fade, and follow the natural curve, which flows on, pointless. D.H. Lawrence

26. Security, certitude, and peace do not lead to discoveries. C.G. Jung

This is part of a quote I read in a book on interpreting drawings. It speaks in the book to the idea of honing your theories, of not discarding things that do not fit in. Recently I suggested in this month’s thoughts to define your beliefs. This would further that suggestion to adjust them, or at least hold in waiting, things that do not necessarily fit in at that moment. I like this quote because besides what I already wrote, its about remaining open-minded.

25. The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.

The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits. When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten. The purpose of words is to convey ideas. When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.

Where can I find a person who has forgotten words? They are the one I’d like to talk to. Chaung Tzu

24. It’s better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead. William Markiewicz

This is a pretty cool quote I came across, and it exemplifies both ideas of genuineness and living life rather than simply existing.

23. They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. Andy Warhol

I believe time and experience does move us toward change, if we are receptive to it. But those who change the most focus on what they want to change, and make a concerted effort. I believe for most people a focus on change brings a happier and more fulfilling existence. I recently bought a postcard for my office with a small picture of Buddha on it that says “If your not working on yourself, you aren’t working.”

20. There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will. Epictetus

Another quote about letting go, allowing things to unfold, not worrying about that which you have no control over. Whenever I meet with someone in distress, after listening and empathizing, the next step is to determine what in the worrisome scenario do they have control over. Then that is the focus for change. The rest is best left to the forces in life which move without our direction.

19. Life is the dancer and you are the dance. Eckhart Tolle

I was reading some of “Stillness Speaks” this morning, and decided I wanted to use a quote by Eckhart Tolle today (This quote, however, is not from that book, it is from “A New Earth”). Most of his writing is about letting go of your ego and just being, being in the moment. This is an excellent quote to exemplify that. You might think it reversed, that you are the dancer and life is the dance, but he is very concise in his words. Ponder them a bit.

18. If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please. Epictetus

I read a passage recently in a book of Taoism that had to do with the middle path, with doing things in moderation, with understanding the importance of balance in life. As such I wanted a quote that captured its meaning, especially in regard to the pleasures in life. Everything ebbs and flows, all good things end, all bad times get better. This is the nature of our reality. Take the middle path and understand this and you are on your way to serenity.

17. We are like the spider. We weave our life and then move along in it. We are like the dreamer who dreams and then lives in the dream. This is true for the entire universe. The Upanishads

I liked this quote which I found when looking for something on impermanence. Plus, I’ve been obsessing about “Inception” lately.

16. I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. Edward Everett Hale

The other day I was exchanging emails with a friend and she mentioned feeling overwhelmed. I provided the advise a supervisor had provided me a long time ago: All you can do is all you can do. And all you can do is enough. She replied with the similar, but more poetic quote above.

We all get overwhelmed. At times when this happens, it is good to remember the above quotes, to apply them, and to allow the relief of their meaning in. There is no need to be overwhelmed, we can only do so much. If a little anxiety / stress helps you motivate, use it. But do not let stress paralyze you.

15. Real enlightenment is always with you, so there is no need for you to stick to it or even to think about it. Because it is always with you, difficulty itself is enlightenment. Your busy life itself is enlightened activity. That is true enlightenment. Shunryu Suzuki

There is always enlightenment. It is more about your state of mind than about your activity. Lately I have been overwhelmed with tasks, and admittedly my sitting practice has suffered. When I find myself unable to sit due to time constraints I practice mindfulness in my car on the way to wherever I am going. As I have said in previous posts I use the sky as my enlightenment bell, and I practice my breathing and focus on relaxation. There is always enlightenment. It is your state of mind.

14. Be yourself; no base imitator of another, but your best self. There is something which you can do better than another. Listen to the inward voice and bravely obey that. Do the things at which you are great, not what you were never made for. Ralph Waldo Emerson

13. Sometimes I think it is my mission to bring faith to the faithless, and doubt to the faithful. Paul Tillich

I just simply like this quote, and I do feel this way sometimes. I find myself trying to help people let things go with the flow of the universe and have faith in it, and at other times challenging their beliefs. Perhaps like the person quoted above, it is a deeper understanding that I am seeking. Whatever the case, I like the quote.

12. He (She) who has a why to live, can endure almost any how. Nietzsche

This is probably my favorite Nietzsche quote. I’ve considered getting it as a tattoo. I put it here because it is a great existential quote, and I’m using it to close out this focus on existentialism. Tomorrow I’ll return to more random quotes. In closing, I certainly hope my readers are not enduring any how, but are much happier in their lives than that. But if you have a why to live, you can make it through the toughest of times. That is the essence of this quote, which I first saw in Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning“.

11. Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you. Sartre

Things happen randomly in the chaos of everyday living. But we all have the freedom to respond to what happens in the way we choose, and it is to our benefit to own that freedom.

10. In comparison with capitalism, which reconstituted man as an economic animal; in comparison with Marxism, which found man an object made up of organized matter; in comparison with catholicism, which saw him as the unwitting plaything of an imperious unseen power (the Divine Will); in comparison with dialectical materialism, which saw him as unwitting plaything of the deterministic evolution of the means of production- existentialism made man a god. Ali Shariati

Existentialism purports that you are free to create the meaning of your life. Compared to most other belief systems this makes you the master of your destiny, and as the author of the quote above suggests, makes you your god.

9. Obviously, all religions fall far short of their own ideals… Ernest Becker

For me this quote goes with the previous, and likely should have preceded it.

8. ..philosophical systems are wholly true for their founders only. Nietzsche

I encourage you to create your own philosophy of life, of what you believe, and to define it for yourself.

7. Some refuse the loan of life to avoid the debt of death. Otto Rank

This quote focuses on how many people do not live fully, so as to avoid the awareness of what death means. I often discuss how the fear of death is denied and ignored in individuals. When I discuss this with clients or students I am often told that they are not afraid of death. This is usually a part of that denial. Why wouldn’t someone be afraid of death? No matter what your religion or beliefs about an afterlife, the you that exists in this plane of reality right now  will cease to exist. I believe that those who say they are not afraid, if suddenly faced with death would then experience the fear. There are experiments that seem to demonstrate that the fear of death is denied in most individuals. The belief seems to be if you ignore its weight, what it really means, you’ll be happier. In actuality existentialists believe the opposite. Recognize the fear, get in touch with it regularly, and you are more able to cherish life. The things you might enjoy but take for granted becomes sweeter. The stuff that is annoying becomes less important. Facing your fear of death and then coping with it makes life more full. Enjoy it.

6. Although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death saves us. Yalom

I apologize for not posting anything the last two days. I had to be to the office early and relied on my work computer, and it is out of order. I am currently posting this while my class takes a few minutes to review their notes before an exam.

Some of you may have heard this quote before. I use it consistently in therapy, in my classes, and in my writing on existentialism. I love this quote. It works beautifully with the one before it. And it encapsulates again the idea that it is essential to face the idea of your death to live life to its fullest. Realize you will die so you can live fully.

5. If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life – and only then will I be free to become myself. Heidegger

I love this quote as it relates to embracing the fact you will die as a integral part of self actualization.

4. …man is free, in so far as he has the power of contradicting himself and his essential nature. Man is free even from his freedom; that is, he can surrender his humanity. Paul Tillich

Happy Forth of July. Recognize your freedom as a human.

3. …once I gave up the hunt for villains, I had little recourse but to take responsibility for my choices …Needless to say, this is far less satisfying than nailing villains. It also turned out to be more healing in the end… Barbara Brown Taylor

Existentialism is about taking responsibility for your life, looking at your part in everything that happens to you. It is about fully embracing your responsibility and your life.

2. Today, however, we are having a hard time living because we are so bent on outwitting death. Simone de Beauvoir

I liked this quote for today (sorry about the delay those of you that have come to expect a quote in the morning, I am away for the weekend and was driving, then site seeing until now).  It is the belief of Existentialists that many people ignore the fact they are going to die. Now when ever I say this, people either defend how they are not ignoring it, or they call me morbid. Regardless of what people say, I still believe most people really ignore the weight of what it means to cease to exist. To really grasp that is sad, but it makes life all the more sweet. So, as the quote suggests, live and don’t try to outwit death. You can’t.

1. What you have experienced, no power on Earth can take from you. Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning

I want to begin this month with a focus on embracing your life. I will likely bring some existential quotes to this forum, including some that focus on recognizing the approaching of your death. I hope this helps bring the focus to the preciousness of your life.

During the break between Spring Semester and Summer B, while I wasn’t teaching for the first time in years, I read the book “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” It’s actually a strange story how I came to read it.
Most of my readers know I rarely read fiction. But this book was a long time in coming. I have been into Zen, to various degrees, for more than 20 years. When I was relative neonate to Zen, having only read one or two books, people would always ask “Have you read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance?” I would always answer “no” of course. Then the next time I was in a book store I’d pick it up and read a little: a little in the beginning, then a little in the middle, as I do with any book I might be interested in. Without fail the several times I did this I returned “Zen…” back to the shelf. I had relatively no interest. Recently I’ve done this with “The Power of Now” at least as many times (and I still have little interest. People’s encouragement gets me to pick it up, but I have inevitably returned it to the shelf). When I picked up this book “Zen…”, it just never grabbed me.
So right before I’m about to leave for Puerto Rico my girlfriend and I are in Borders where she hopes to purchase a book for the trip. While browsing the discount section, I run across a hard copy edition of “Zen…” for $7.99. How can anyone pass up a hard cover edition of a classic for that price? I couldn’t, hence I finally read it.
First I’d like to say that “Zen…” is much more a work of literature than any type of instruction on Zen. In fact, unless you are already into Zen and if it weren’t in the title, you probably wouldn’t notice it had a Zen attitude at all. It seems to be much more about philosophy in relation to the Greeks (Plato, Socrates, Aristotle) than to Eastern philosophy.
The book, without giving too much away, focuses on an extended road trip on a motorcycle between a father and his minor son. There is also a great deal about a guy from the narrator’s past who was a college professor teaching English, and in particular, rhetorical response. There are other characters that vary from lasting half the book or who are purely peripheral. The story vacillates between the motorcycle trip, the remembrance of this professor, and some theories of logic and philosophy. There is some very deep thinking in the book, and it certainly went over my head from time to time (that might not be as difficult as you think). Although I struggled with some of the philosophical and logic discussion at times, it did not deter me from the story, and all in all, I did not feel it detracted from this being a great modern work of literature.
I have been discussing an idea for a book with a peer who tells a written story in a much better fashion than I. I believe this book inspired me further to try to tell the story, as this was very well written and often riveted me to the tale. As someone who doesn’t read much fiction I am leery of making strong statements about it. But this book seems like an excellent read to me, and as it has sold millions and millions of copies all over the world for over 30 years, I do not believe I am taking much of a leap. But I caution my reader that they are reading a story, and they shouldn’t expect too much in guidance toward Zen, or current motorcycle maintenance for that matter.
As an aside, if you decide to read the book, which seems to be based on some actual events in the author’s life, I suggest you also read the afterward. It is sad but very real.

29. If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. W. Beran Wolfe

This seemed to me to be the best quote I could find to end my little dissertation on happiness. I have focused on it for 12 or 13 days now, and although likely I will return to it if I keep providing nearly daily quotes, I want to move on now to other topics or random topics daily. To me this quotes relate to the early quotes for this month on Zen Mind. This quote indicates it is in the doing that happiness exists, not in the searching.

I am as happy today as I have ever been, and I recall saying that in the past, lol. My happiness comes from the philosophies I have adopted about life and happiness more-so than any event or possession. I cannot deny that I have much in my life that makes me happy: I am doing what I enjoy (psychology, and both practicing therapy and teaching); I have four wonderful children that bring me joy; I have a partner who I love and who nurtures me; I have hobbies that are creative and which I enjoy; and my necessities are met.

I remember a long time ago I witnessed someone speaking to the director of a program regarding sobriety. They had been sober a while at that point, and said their wife and kids helped their sobriety. The director rebutted that they could also get him high. I tell this story now because many people have children, and find reasons to be unhappy (financial strain, stress about some the things their children do, worries about the future, worries about the present); and many have jobs they wanted and this still is not a source of happiness (long hours, stress of meeting demands) and partners they love and who love them but who they may not feel make them happy enough (expectations not met). My point in all of this is that I am not happy simply because of the things that are right in my life, but because of my attitude about the things in my life. I believe everyone can be happy, and I want everyone to be happy.

28. Let us live happily then, though we call nothing our own! We shall be like the bright gods, feeding on happiness. Buddha, The Dhammapada

27. To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness. Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

I am not sure what the author meant by this exactly, but to me it relates to the need to overcome desire or wanting to find happiness. The Buddhists believe desire / wanting / craving is the root of all suffering, and I largely agree. To me this quote means you have to overcome wanting.

26. Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling. Margaret Lee Runbeck

25. Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it. Don Herold

I think many who read my quotes know that at times people believe something will bring them happiness, then work to get it, and then after a short period find that was not the key to happiness. Many times clients tell me a job, or a partner, or more money, or a house, will make them happy, only to find these bring only temporary happiness. This quote seems to highlight this phenomena, although I might have put it, “Happiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.”

24. Happiness is… usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. Thomas Szasz

This is another quote that demonstrates people’s belief is that happiness is in some other place or time, and not with them right now. To me it relates to the quote from a few days ago, about having a wonderful life and not realizing it until later.

23. The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. Charles L. Morgan

I like this quote, as it captures the nature of impermanence in everything, including happiness, while pointing out happiness can still be found even when you thought it disappeared.

22. What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. Colette

I didn’t know who Colette was, so I added the link. Who she was really isn’t significant to me regarding the quote, I decided on the quote as soon as I read it. I think many people are happier than they think they are. A technique from “The Mindful Way Through Depression” asks the reader to mark down every time they find something enjoyable during the day: a cup of coffee, a conversation, so on. And many people are astounded at the amount of enjoyable things they do in a day, yet hadn’t been mindful of. This leads me to the bonus quote of the day: Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

21. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. Carl Jung

I like this quote because it returns to the idea of impermanence, that all things come and go, and that we need to have times of unhappiness to recognize happiness. The quote also encourages the mindset of acceptance, accepting things as they come. Its the Yin and Yang of it all.

20. Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. The Dalai Lama

There are quite a few quotes referencing happiness from the Dalai Lama. This is likely because he has purported that happiness is a goal, if not the goal, of life. I like this quote because it identifies that you are in charge of your happiness. It is your actions that will determine your happiness, it does not just come. Too many people expect others or life itself just to bring happiness. Although this sometimes happens, much of happiness is derived from you and the way in which you live your life. I have found this to be very true in my life.

19. Be sincere enough to be yourself. That is the direction of our effort. Shunryu Suzuki

I felt this quote went with the last, in regard to being happy by matching your thoughts, words, and behavior. It provides a little more inspiration in the direction of genuineness.

18. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Mohandas K. Gandhi

I am a big advocate of being genuine, of being true to yourself, of not playing games, of being authentic. This verse says it better than I.

17. The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy. The Dalai Lama

16. Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Abraham Lincoln

I first saw this quote on a card up north which was called “The AA Green Card.” It had little bits of wisdom printed in it, along with a verse about taking things day by day. I can’t seem to find it down here. Anyhow, I think its a viable quote. Happiness exists everywhere, it is your focus that determines how happy you are. As a bonus quote for the day,this relates to what Shakespeare said in Hamlet: There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

15. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a person speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows them. If a person speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows them, like a shadow that never leaves them. – Buddha

I believe one of the keys to happiness is to be genuine. If you are true to yourself happiness follows. In the slide show I posted where the Dalai Lama discussed religion, there is a saying I have heard many times: Watch you thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. I believe when people get to know themselves, discover an explanation for their harmful behaviors, they gain power to change themselves and to become a more authentic self. (This assumes many harmful behaviors come from a less than authentic place, one that has been learned as a defense). This is one of the necessities on the path to happiness.

11.Knowledge of others is intelligence; knowledge of self is wisdom. Mastery of others is strength; mastery of self is power. Lao Tzu

Okay, so this quote was just used in my review of “The God Part of the Brain.” But the quote is relevant to what I’ve been speaking of lately, mastering your mind. To master your mind you must first get to know your mind, and to do that you must approach things without preconceived notions. In Zen this is called beginners mind. A peer recently described her perception of how Buddha approached this:

“Borrowed knowledge creates great deception because you start feeling as if you know — and that “as if” is a big “as if.” Truth liberates, belief binds. Truth liberates because it has to be yours; it has to be an inner experience, an encounter with that which is. Buddha is a nonbeliever. He is not an atheist like Karl Marx or Friedrich Nietzsche; neither is he a theist like all the priests of all the religions. He is an agnostic. He neither believes nor disbelieves; he is open. That is his great gift to the world: to be open to truth.” Radhikadilip Kumar.

She had posted this only today. It seems very relative to my review of The God Part of the Brain as well as to the topic I have been focusing on in this blog lately; get to know your mind and seek the truth through your experience.

10. It is good to tame the mind, which is difficult to hold in and flighty, rushing wherever it listeth; a tamed mind brings happiness- Buddha- The Dhammapada

I like this quote because it discusses how difficult it is to quiet the mind, but how working at it brings reward. Meditation can seem so mystical and it really does not have to be. The benefit of taking some time for yourself and simply working at recognizing the meandering of your mind has rewards that can be tenfold the effort. Sure its difficult to structure time to meditate. Sure its weird in our culture to sit doing nothing for 10 minutes or more, when it seems we have so much to do. But the act and the practice of meditation provide so much in the way of reward. Reduced stress, more calm, the ability to separate you from your thoughts, a recently discovered lower sensitivity to pain, and if you do Metta a more forgiving stance toward yourself and others are some of the rewards paid off through the practice of meditation. Be good to yourself, begin a meditation practice.

9. Imagine there’s no Heaven, It’s easy if you try. No hell below us, Above us only sky. Imagine all the people Living for today.

Imagine there’s no countries, It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for.
And no religion too. Imagine all the people Living life in peace. -John Lennon

I just thought this was an excellent follow up to the slide show about the Dalai Lama and religion not b3eing important.

8. The human condition: lost in thought. Eckhart Tolle

I seem to be on a kick about transcending thought to moment by moment experience. This quote is from Tolle’s “Stillness Speaks” (a book which I expect to be quoting often in the life of this blog). The basic notion: it is part of being human to be caught in the unending flow of thought; but this is an illusion. If you want peace it is important to work at transcending this. This is done by letting go of the ego and, according to Tolle, realizing your true nature; the connection to the rest of life and all that is that lies beneath the ego’s thinking. Simple. ; )

7. Do not just memorize sayings, recite words, and discuss Zen and the way based on books. The Zen way is not in books. Even if you can recite the teachings of the whole canon and all the masters and philosophers, they are just useless words of no avail when you are facing death. Chien-ju

I chose this quote for today because I feel it is a good follow up to the last. Zen, enlightenment, following the Way, these are not things that are mastered by reading how to do it in books. These things are mastered after you put what you have learned into practice, and somehow move past the teaching and into personal experience, into the moment, into the now. As I said in the last post, this can be daunting. But it is the journey, not the destination that is important.

6. It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts. John Wooden

John Wooden is considered one of, if not the best coach, of all time. Admittedly I know little other than that. He died the other day. He has said a few memorable quotes, and I like this one. In Zen it is often suggested to have beginners mind. This quote seems to capture that idea. In what I have always viewed as a Zen Koan (an insolvable puzzle meant to bring about enlightenment, like “what is the sound of one hand clapping”) it seems the more you read about how to become enlightened, the further you may be from it. I know, this seems strange. I once read an Alan Watts book about Zen, it was one of my first encounters, and it seemed he said at the end, “Okay, now your further from enlightenment than when you started the book.” I was more than a little discouraged.

The lesson in all of this is that the knowledge gives you a basis from where to start, but you have to get past the knowledge, past the formula, and into natural true experience. I wish you the best in your practice.

5. If all evil were prevented, much good would be absent from the universe. Thomas Aquinas

This quote relates to my writing yesterday about accepting unpleasantness and feeling it. What this quote is saying is the basis of Taoism: High does not exist without low, there are no mountains without valleys, for their to be good their must be evil. This is the Yin and Yang of life. We must embrace all of it, and understand it is part of the duality of our existence. People today say “It is what it is” and I’m unsure if they understand the meaning. This statement is a statement of acceptance, a statement demonstrating the understanding that I do not have the power to change this circumstance, so I will be happiest if I move to accept it. May you have acceptance of all that arises in your life today.

4. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss

I attended my oldest son’s graduation last night, and one of the speakers used this quote. Much of the discussion was on endings and new beginnings. This is the way of life. Nothing is permanent. Everything is impermanent. Change is inevitable. One thing those on the path of enlightenment must address is this impermanence. Often we want to cling to pleasant feelings, and avoid unpleasant ones. We don’t want the fun to end. Following the Way means understanding impermanent nature of everything, and being in the moment. Following the way means letting go of our attachment and flowing with what comes.

In therapy I often work with clients to help them feel the unpleasant feelings they experience, rather than avoiding them. We are naturally inclined to try to hold onto things we find enjoyable, and to avert ourselves from those we find unpleasant. But life has both pleasant and unpleasantness in it. To cut yourself off from one results in an unhealthy state. When confronting unpleasantness work on experiencing the feelings and letting them go, or going with them until they run their course. Remember, everything passes. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is the saying “This too, Shall Pass.” Everything does. Let it; do not grasp, do not avert.

3. The things you desire give no more satisfaction than drinking sea water, therefore practice contentment. Atisha

I thought I would stick with the topic of desire and attachment today. In addiction recovery, as well as some religious doctrine, it is said to have gratitude for what you have, and therefore to desire less. When one feels true gratitude for what they have, they are happy. When one desires things they do not have, they are less than happy. This simple formula demonstrates the power of combating your desire, being grateful for what you have, and accepting things as they are. There is a powerful quote from the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book that addresses this which I put on this blog some time ago. I believe this quote is an excellent practice to attain happiness and enlightenment. I have watched so many fall into the trap of seeking more, believing it will provide happiness. Once they obtain what they had desired, happiness is fleeting, and a new desire manifests that feels as if it must be quenched to bring happiness. For some this illusion continues forever. Those on the path to enlightenment realize the trap, and practice letting go of desire, realizing that what they desire will bring no more satisfaction than drinking seawater.

2. Poor men want to be rich, Rich men want to be king, and a king ain’t satisfied till he rules over everything. Bruce Springsteen

When I first came up with the idea to have a site for quotes and my thoughts (originally it was another site, but circumstances and I decided to just do it here) this quote was one of the first to come to mind. This quote embodies the philosophy of desire. Nothing is enough. When you think you have gotten what you want, a new desire comes along to drive you further. In Buddhism, desire (attachment, wanting, craving, thirst for more) is the root of all suffering. We are an insatiable race, we humans. But everything I have read of late, including an article on making relationships work in a psychology magazine, points to the need to get away from this craving and desire for something else. There is no way to satiate your desire, except to move away from it.

1. Direct experience will come when you are completely one with your activity; when you have no idea of self. This could be when you are sitting, but it could also be whenever your way seeking mind is strong enough to forget your selfish desires. Shunryu Suzuki

I love the idea of mindfulness and being completely present. Last semester I taught a class for which the text was called “The Psychology of Personal Growth”. There were several reading excerpts about mindfulness, about being completely present in the moment, and its benefit to the enjoyment of life. Here in Florida I use the sky as a Zen bell, reminding me to be mindful. A popular theory about self-actualization discusses a similar phenomenon, “flow”, which is when you lose yourself in an activity. This quote draws the two together.

Basically, do your best today to be completely absorbed in something: whether it is your sitting meditation, some challenging work, or a hobby you thoroughly enjoy.

I took my 16 year old out for his birthday (his actual birthday was a while ago, but with our schedules it was tough to schedule a full night alone with him before now). After dinner and some shopping, we discussed seeing a movie. He wanted to see “Get Him to the Greek.” I had read some pretty poor reviews, but had no problem seeing it. The reviews indicated the movie tried to do too much. They felt it aspired to be a comedy in the “Hangover” style but also tried to squeeze in weightier issues like a substance abuse problem and parent issues.
I had recently read another article interviewing Russell Brand who reprises his role from “Forgetting Sara Marshall” as a rock star for the plot of this movie (I still don’t know why I am receiving Rolling Stone magazine). The article discusses Brand’s real-life struggles with substance dependence (including heroin) and with sex addiction and bulimia. I liked the article, and I relate to Brand’s approach to life now. He talks about keeping his addictive personality at bay by attending 12 step meetings, working out, keeping busy, meditating, and writing (two autobiographies) as well as currently filming a documentary on happiness. I related to both the article and the film in the personality portrayed, and perhaps that led me to liking the film more.
I thought the film did a good job of portraying the life of an addict as well as a film can and remain a comedy. There are times the film (and an addict’s life) is all fun and laughs. But at some point the movie indicates that drugs are a serious issue for the main character. This is evidenced by Aldous Snow (Brand’s character) explaining to Aaron Green (Jonah Hill’s character) the importance of drugs. The explanation, which of course I cannot remember exactly and research failed to produce, went something like this:
Your life must be full of a laundry list of worries and things to consider. Where is your life going? Is this person the one to be with? So on and so forth. But my life has one concern. Do you know what the one word is? Drugs. My life is simple.
Although perhaps a slight exaggeration of the drug dependent person’s life, it does often seem that way. Drugs become the most important thing, often the only thing that really matters. Of course there are other concerns, but they are secondary to the drug and getting high. This is often felt by those around the active addict, even if the addict can’t recognize it themselves.
Another aspect of the film I thought was accurate was the self-centered nature of the substance user. Aldous Snow manipulates Aaron to get what he wants. This is more than evident in the film, and although it can be chocked up to his being a spoiled rock star and being used to being spoiled, it is often also true of those with substance issues.
During the course of the film Aldous also begins to confront some of the issues that underlie his addiction. He addresses issues with his parents, broken dreams, and rationalizations for his behavior of a too intelligent man. The issue that seems core to many with addictions is a tremendous loneliness that he can’t seem to satiate. The idea of self-medication is also mentioned, as Aldous hasn’t experienced real emotion in some time. There are even some of drawbacks of addiction recovery in the film, such as when a person is too honest about previous wrongs to free their own guilt, without consideration of the injured party.
Overall I feel the film was a good one. It has some genuinely funny moments, some funny dialogue, and it addresses to a small extent what it is like when someone is in an addiction. It seemed obvious to me with my knowledge of addiction and recovery that the film makers had some experience with the topic. In the interview Brand admits the director and writer took stories from his life. It seems to me there is more than that. Perhaps Brand’s personal experience propels the story onto the screen making it more true to addiction. Or perhaps other than just stories Brand talked with them about his personal feelings and thoughts in regard to addiction and addiction recovery. Whatever accounts for the true aspects of addiction in the film, they are there and in my opinion it adds to the film’s depth rather than detracting from its attempts at humor. After all, isn’t life made up of comedy and tragedy?

I initially picked up this book because the back cover presented it as a theory that explained how we create God and spiritual realms to combat our fear of death. As an existential therapist I found this intriguing. In this regard the book did not disappoint.
The book begins with a brief summary of evolution (what argument that did not denounce the existence of a supreme being would be complete without some sort of recognition of evolution?) I found this short (in relation to the amount of years it took for it to occur) history an adequate review, but a bit lengthy. I suppose I assume that any person willing to read a book of this title would already have a basic knowledge of evolution. Besides, I was anxious for his argument to start.
The substantial section of the book utilizes brain science and anthropology to explain the author’s argument for their being; you know its coming, the part of the brain that leads us to believe in spiritual reality. His argument is very well laid out. In fact, I found it too much so at times. In philosophical and scientific argument there is sometimes overkill. The same point is made and reiterated, then built upon, then reiterated and built upon some more. This can grow tiring for the casual reader. However, on the upside of this, it does demonstrate the continuity of his argument and often reiteration precedes learning.
His argument is excellent and, if one is so inclined, would easily provide much ammunition to the atheist reader who wants to have a solid argument for their point. I believe his argument is also persuasive enough that a true agnostic (someone who feels there is not enough evidence to prove, and at the same time cannot disprove the existence of a God) may also be swayed. There are some weaknesses in some of his arguments, especially at the end of the book, where he discusses the usefulness of his theory. This brings me to my final thoughts and concerns.
I imagine this book will have little effect on anyone who is religious. This might be a biased opinion, but evolution has had little impact, and a faith in the unknown is much stronger in some than what science can show. My concern would be for those who are somewhat spiritual or religious, but who might be swayed. If someone bought into his theory, and gave up whatever religious or spiritual beliefs they may have had, they may feel a void that the book is not able to fill. This is despite the few short chapters which were spent focusing more on proving the downside of religion than the upside of facing the reality of death.
As a professor I often confront my class (in appropriate classes) with existential theory and the fact they will eventually cease to exist. Often this is met with accusations of being morbid, sadistic, or simply mean. The point is not to depress people, but to help them see the impermanence of existence, so they are able to more fully embrace their life. But the fear of death is strong. In fact, this is part of the author’s argument. I believe at times it is so strong those uninitiated with the reality of death (in most religions there is a continuation of the individual’s personality in some form, helping to deny the reality of death) might find life meaningless, rather than more meaningful. The author attempts to combat this with some insightful words, but I’m unsure if it is enough.
In conclusion I recommend this book to everyone, despite some of my misgivings. I have always believed knowledge is power, and to borrow a quote the author also borrows from Lao Tzu: Knowledge of others is intelligence; knowledge of self is wisdom. Mastery of others is strength; mastery of self is power.

A colleague shared this Powerpoint presentation with me of a discussion between a theologian and the Dalai Lama. I thought I would share it with my readers.
Yourreligionisnotimportant

Photo by Alexi Berry

Many therapists advocate the practice of meditation for their clients. The benefits of meditation have been well documented in articles and books. Meditation can assist an individual in controlling their breath, which helps to reduce anxiety by lowering heart rate and blood pressure. There are also chemical reactions in the brain observed in fMRIs which activate parts of the brain associated with relaxation. There has even been some documentation on lasting changes in the brains of those who meditate regularly.

Another way meditation is helpful is through distancing the individual from their thinking. Most therapists, at the very least, will focus to some extent on challenging the clients’ distortions in thinking. Meditation helps provide the distance that assists in this questioning and challenging of thought. In many circumstances people allow their thinking to control them. Their anxiety or depressive thinking dictates their thinking and mood. The person who meditates is better able to step back psychologically and not be as driven by their automatic thinking. They have a distance between their thoughts and thereby are able to be an observer of their thoughts, rather than at their mercy.

Although I have always been an advocate of meditation, I have only practiced sitting meditation for periods sporadically. Recently a friend on Facebook started a group for the month of May where sitting mediation is the practice. I have sat in meditation most days (admittedly I had a tough time making time or forgot a couple of the days of the practice). But even with sitting most days (6 of 7 weekly) I have noticed a substantial change in my reactions to stress. This in turn has impacted my mood, resulting in more calm.

I generally consider myself a very happy person. But, as those who know me are aware, I am passionate about some things, and react, at least initially, to stimuli. I might have a small but noticeable reaction of anger or disappointment to a stimulus. Since sitting in meditation I seem less reactive. I am more able to be an observer to situations that I am involved in. Situations that would normally lead to a reaction I am more distanced from, and I thereby handle them better.

The meditation we are doing is a Metta meditation. It focuses on loving-kindness. The first week or so of the practice we focused on loving kindness for ourselves. I believe I said in a previous post, but it bears repeating: I believe this practice has an abundance of benefit for anyone. Most people I see in therapy are very hard on themselves, and this practice creates a more forgiving and loving atmosphere for them.

I did follow the practice completely as laid out. At first I skimmed some of the directions (I am a guy) and admittedly missed some of the leaders suggestions initially. I had read and practiced Loving-kindness meditation in the past, and incorporated some of my previous learning. But when reading later suggestions from the leader, I went back and reread what I had missed. I say this now because if you have also been following her tutelage, my process may vary.

The next stage I engaged in, following loving kindness for myself, was envisioning loving beings around you while you meditate. These loving beings can be people you know who are loving, or beings you imagine to be loving. I would like to discuss my experience with this portion of the practice. The first time I did it, I went weeding through the people I know to surround myself with loving people. This turned out to be a little more difficult than I expected. As I went through my friends, I would first put them in the circle, envisioning them entering a sort of empty space with me, and with them we made a circle. Then for some I would remember times they weren’t very loving or kind, and eliminate them from the circle. I even toyed with the idea of just using beings, but as I have trouble believing in that type of thing, I kept going through people I know. Eventually I was able to get myself a circle of people I perceive as loving. Many were friends; some were spiritual leaders (the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn). Some were people I don’t know well but imagine are loving (the group leader, a few others that I have read submissions from).

I also found this practice to be very beneficial, and to affect the way I was to strangers. As many others, I do not walk around exuding love. I imagine there aren’t many who envisioned me in their circle of loving friends, and that is understandable. I have a shell that is meant to protect me from being taken advantage of or otherwise hurt. This shell is often unnecessary, but the habit of keeping it up is well ingrained. This practice of surrounding myself with loving individuals and creating a bubble of love helped to lessen the unnecessary use of a shell and made me more personable to strangers, when I had usually been indifferent.

Another part of the meditation I’d like to discuss is the “Benefactor”. When I read this I thought how easy it would be. So many people have helped me through my life, both professionally and personally.  But when I brought my benefactors in, I realized I held some small negative feeling for some. There was an old director of a program, who although was quite a model, we had a falling out and never repaired the relationship. He has been deceased some time, but feelings I thought were gone surfaced. This repeated for at least a few of my benefactors. As such, I found I needed a hybrid of the benefactor and difficult person practice. I move from recognizing the benefactor to bringing all living beings into the meditation. First, I start bringing in anyone I can remember as they have likely impacted my life, and to this degree, are benefactors. Second, even those I find difficult somehow affect me, so I bring them in. All the while I am focusing on loving-kindness for all living things, expanding it in concordance with those I have invited into the practice.

It is important to remember that it is a practice. My mind wanders when I meditate, and I have to bring it back to the breath, and recently to the thoughts of loving kindness. I am not an expert practitioner. No one really is. I believe everyone’s mind wanders. The goal is to become aware of it and come back to the practice. I write this so those who are new to it don’t feel they aren’t doing it correctly and quit.

In conclusion I cannot say enough about the benefits of meditation. I have become a meditation evangelist with my clients, discussing the benefits and when appropriate my experience with the practice. Metta practice and meditation in general, can be of the utmost benefit to individual mental health, and a feeling of serenity.

Photo by Alexi Berry

22. First you try to meditate and after a while you become meditative. J.Kleykamp

I wanted to bring “May is for Metta” to a close with a quote on meditation. I have discussed how beneficial I have found a return to sitting meditation to be to me. I have also said I plan on continuing it. Several year ago I was practicing a mindful sitting meditation pretty regularly. I had an experience I can not begin to describe. It was blissful.  I continued the sitting meditation for a short time, but I always sat hoping for that experience again. I knew this was not proper form for meditation, and I tried to overcome it. But each sitting brought more frustration until I gave up sitting meditation for other Zen Mindfulness exercises. These are excellent exercises, and I still practice these and encourage others to work at being completely mindful in as much as possible during their day. But the sitting Metta meditation has brought about a change that I like, and I hope to keep (attachment, I know).

Good luck in your practice, whatever it might be.

21. All are my teachers on the path of life. Berry

I spent the last hour trying to find a quote related to how we all rely on one another on our path to enlightenment. I know I read it recently when seeking other quotes. But I cannot find it, so I offer my abbreviated version.

When I discussed my experience with the benefactor portion of Metta meditation, I mentioned how I have had many teachers. When I am actually practicing Metta, As I expand my awareness to the difficult person and all other living things, I also focus on how they have taught me. The other day when I was presenting my seminar on Anger Management I discussed how I learn from my students, and how I hoped to learn from those at the seminar as well (and of course I did). Beyond all of this, we learn from those we come in contact with, whether friendly or unfriendly. We can learn about ourselves when we immediately feel an aversion for someone. There is a checkout person at Publix, who when I was looking for a neutral person for my practice I disqualified because of an aversion, that I learned about myself from. I questioned why I had the aversion, and this taught me about me.

The quote I read recently had something to do with all humans being essential to our becoming enlightened. We will not achieve our full potential without our interaction with others and the “grist for the mill” it provides us. All others provide me the opportunity to practice my loving-kindness and to grow.

20. Better indeed is knowledge than mechanical practice. Better than knowledge is meditation. But better still is surrender of attachment to results, because there follows immediate peace. Bhagavad Gita

I thought today, after discussing my experience with Metta practice previously, I would focus on the benefit of meditation. I think this quote says it all.

19. Perhaps the way to selflessness is by first being selfish. Berry

Many of you who are familiar with my writing know my views of altruism: that if it exists it is extremely rare, and what we often claim is altruism is actually self serving, despite its service to others. Yesterday I had an interesting discussion with a client in addiction recovery regarding a book he had read. This book discussed AA as a selfish program, because you have to take care of yourself before you can be of help to others. Therapy is the same: the therapist who doesn’t take care of their needs is just another model of “do as I say, not as I do.” Many people believe you have to love yourself before you can truly love another. And isn’t this additionally what we have learned through Metta practice? By first focusing on our receiving loving-kindness we then radiate this energy to others.

This is not a pass to act selfishly throughout our day /our lives. But it is a call to meet your needs, especially those for self-love. By loving and caring for yourself in a nurturing manner, you will grow to understand the balance and interplay of selfishness and selflessness, how being selfish can lead to selflessness, a notion that appears paradoxical to the uninitiated.

18. You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger. Buddha

Although I’m not really into the word “punished” in this sentence, because I do not believe Buddhism, in my limited knowledge of it, promotes punishment, perhaps the word is necessary for he point. Anger hurts you is the theme. Ridding yourself of old anger is of benefit to you. I like these types of quotes because the focus is on you. Its not on how damaging anger is to society, or to others, or how its against any religious more, but how it works against you. There is no deity to punish you for a transgression, but holding onto this feeling turns against you.

I am doing an anger management seminar in a couple of days, and I always explain that anger is a natural human emotion. The goal is not to eliminate anger, but recognize it and manage it effectively. Feeling anger in a moment is a natural phenomena. At times anger can be a motivator to bring about change. But holding onto it, (or in the cases when anger management is necessary, handling it inappropriately) is of detriment to the self. If you get angry feel it, be mindful of it. But work at not getting sucked into it where it controls you, and work to let it go when any positive purpose is complete. This is how I perceive the Buddhist vision of anger.

17. Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. Buddha

Today in her guidance on loving-kindness the leaser discussed hatred and its relation to loving-kindness. As I continue to focus on how anger, resentment, and ultimately hatred are intertwined, I add this quote for today. Although this quote does not foretell how to dispel of anger and resentment, I believe the previous quotes for this month do, as does the quote from Buddha the Metta meditation leader wrote today: ” Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on lovingkindness”.

16. A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference. Winnie the Pooh

This morning I meditated, as has become routine. Then I headed out to my youngest son’s kindergarten graduation. I left feeling like there was way too much negativity for what should have been a happy event. What I noticed is when people are excited about their child they show little consideration for others. Parents all seemed to worry that they wouldn’t get the best picture of their child, and this resulted in blocking and maybe a little pushing. Those who weren’t able to get good photos held ill feelings for those who were in front for long periods (too early, too long). Perhaps the event could have been organized better, I’m sure the lunch lady felt so (she was shouting at people and obviously irritated that lunch for the rest of the grades would start and we were cluttering her area). But small events like this seldom are. I found myself trying not to absorb the negativity, but despite my practice and new found calm  I had difficulty. My thought through much of the event was if everyone were just a little considerate, this negativity wouldn’t prevail.  Those wanting the best picture of their children being mindful to let others also get that great shot, and those who weren’t able to because of inconsiderate others just understanding that everyone is just trying to capture these moments as well, and let go of the ill feelings. (Yesterday at the seminar I attended the presenter said rather than using the term “let go” she preferred “go with” in an observing fashion). Regardless, a little consideration, a little thought for others, goes a long way.

15.I am providing one of my favorite Zen stories today, rather than a quote. It is an often told story about letting go. As I am focusing on anger and resentment, I feel this story is an excellent parable to make the point of letting go, and living in the moment. As best I can tell the author is unknown.

Two Buddhist Monks were on a journey, one was more senior than the other.  During their journey they approached a rough and raging  river.  On the river bank they saw a young woman. She was clearly in need of help to cross to the other side of the river without drowning.

The junior monk walked straight past her without giving it a thought and crossed the river. The senior monk offered to help the woman and carried her across the river.   Once across they parted ways and the two monks continued on their journey.

As the journey continued, the senior monk could see that the junior monk had something of concern on his mind, and asked what was wrong. The junior monk replied, “How could you carry that woman like that? You know we can’t touch women, it’s against our way of life”. The senior monk answered, “I left the woman at the rivers edge a long way back, why are you still carrying her?”

In searching this story out again, one person added that throughout the day litter clutters our minds. Meditation is a way to clean it.

I’m at a seminar today on Mindfulness-Based Awareness Skills for Emotional Well-Being. Hopefully I can bring something back from it to share in the near future.

14. To be angry is to let others’ mistakes punish yourself. To forgive others is to be good to yourself. Master ChengYen

I suppose I continue to focus on anger, resentment, and forgiveness because in working with clients these issues are often a part of the presenting problem, whether it is resentment of others or the self. Additionally I am presenting a seminar on Anger Management next Friday, and so I am somewhat focused on these topics. I find this quote to be excellent for a couple of reasons: As I said in an earlier post, I really believe the loving-kindness practice for oneself is of the utmost benefit. But in working with those who carry resentment for others, this part of the Metta practice, which focuses on those who arouse negative feelings in you, is also of great benefit.

This quote relates to the one from a couple of days ago by the Buddha: holding on to anger hurts you more than anyone else. We may do it believing we are protecting ourselves, but ultimately the negative feelings and energy are felt more by us than by any other. The other may not even know you carry this anger. You may rarely if ever see them, and even if you do you may try, for whatever reasons, not to demonstrate your true feelings. So this / these negative feelings you carry are only burdening you. Letting go of the anger is being good to yourself.

13.  It is natural for the immature to harm others. Getting angry with them is like resenting a fire for burning. Shantideva

Although the Metta practice has moved beyond the difficult one to the inclusion of all beings, I wanted to keep the focus on forgiveness and decreasing anger and resentment a little longer (perhaps I am a little slow).

This quote I find provocative. I want to decrease some of the focus on the word immature, as this can be perceived as a judgment, and one that puts the thinker above another. Instead, I believe the definition meant here when referring to the immature as the one who is unenlightened as of yet, and the one who purposely harms another. As we have been focusing on in practice, everyone is on their own path to enlightenment, and some struggle more than others.  This is how I would define the immature for this quote.

It is the second sentence in the quote I find most enlightening. Getting angry for what naturally happens is like resenting a fire for burning. How often are people angry for what normally occurs? Traffic happens. Accidents happen. Yet we sometimes get angry at what we should expect to occur. In therapy this is called unrealistic expectations. People often get upset about things because of their expectations, which are often unrealistic. This, of course, is also natural. We get upset when things don’t go the way we want at times. But a good place to focus on loving-kindness is on these natural occurrences that we resent for happening.

12. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha

This is a quote I often use in Anger Management counseling. It refers predominately to resentment, although it can be applied to any anger we hold onto: meaning we experience but do not allow to pass (as I always teach, anger is a natural /normal emotion, and I never make the goal to eliminate anger, but rather to understand it and handle it appropriately).  As the Metta practice has moved into fostering loving kindness for “the enemy” or as the leader of the group I am in put it, “a difficult person” I felt this quote was appropriate.

11. Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true. ~Robert Braul

I was really attracted to this quote. I consider myself a very honest person, and have sometimes been honest when it wasn’t necessary and was hurtful. This quote most eloquently reports that kindness is a lot more knowable than truth. What a great concept. Of course I still believe honesty to be of utmost importance, but in many instances, where only the moment matters, wouldn’t kindness be a better choice?

10. Simple kindness to one’s self and all that lives is the most powerful transformational force of all. David R. Hawkins

I have found this to be true of late, and plan on writing a bit about it in a blog this weekend or next week. This Metta practice has had a definite impact on my days in a most positive way. When I have more time, I will describe what I have found. I hope it is helping others similarly.

9. I expect to pass through life but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again. William Penn

When I saw this quote the other day while looking for quotes on kindness, it moved me. I wanted to save it for a day when I could address both the current topic, loving kindness, as well as something that is always a topic for me, embracing your one life. The two together captured in this quote is awe striking for me.

Many people think that when you don’t believe in an afterlife of any kind, it will make you hedonistic. This is not the case, and William Penn’s quote seems to evidence that. In today’s Metta practice we are to focus on a stranger, someone we wouldn’t have noticed if we weren’t being mindful, and focus our practice of loving-kindness on them. I encourage you to take it one step further and practice this quote today. Be mindful this is your one time through this life (whether or not there is an afterlife, this is your one time in this incarnation and form) and embrace it and those around you.

8. By the accident of fortune a man may rule the world for a time, but by virtue of love and kindness he may rule the world forever. Lao Tzu

I chose this quote today not because I expect any of us to rule the world, but I hold out the hope that Loving-kindness might.

7. If you want to be happy, cherish others. Unknown

I read this on a bumper sticker as I left the office last night. It seems appropriate for the current topic, loving-kindness. I want to analyze it a bit:

This isn’t as simple as just trying to feel love for others (as if that were simple). But when I read this I take it to mean really accept others and cherish them. Think of how much of our displeasure is based on what others do. If instead we cherished this other person, despite whatever inconvenience befell us at the time, our displeasure would be decreased. I am by no means saying this is an easy task. But all change starts with mindfulness. Recently I’ve been trying to eliminate the word “like” from my vocabulary (when it is inappropriate). The first step is mindfulness. I’ve also been more mindful of practicing loving-kindness. Mindfulness. As part of the practice I will now try to identify when I am feeling displeasure, and instead try to accept and cherish the other. I hope this is helpful for you also.

As a final thought on this, be mindful that perfection is not the goal. I still use like inappropriately at times in my speech. I am not radiating loving-kindness 24/7. And in all likelihood I will still experience displeasure as a result of my expectations of others. But in all these areas I will improve, as I am mindful.

6. Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. Erich Fromm

I told my daughter, who posted this quote as her facebook status a week ago, that I was going to steal it and use it for my meditations on loving-kindness. So, there it is, a great quote about the importance of love from Erich Fromm. My daughter read it in a book she is / was reading called the Art of Loving. I’m pretty sure I read it when I was wondering what in the hell love was many years ago. And while I was away I spotted it on a cab drivers floor. At first all I saw was the author’s name, and I said to my girlfriend, wow, I read The Art of Loving by him. And she replied,” that is what the book is” (she reads and speaks Spanish, among other languages). What synchronicity! I can’t remember much of the book, it was over 15 years ago I read it, but the quote is quite powerful, and the synchronic nature of the events surrounding it provides importance to me.

I’ve been a bit slack in my practice while vacationing. But at the very least I was mindful of when I was, and wasn’t, exhibiting loving-kindness. I am back on track this morning, and being mindful of this quote.

5. One man practicing kindness in the wilderness is worth all the temples this world pulls. Jack Kerouac (The Dharma Bums)

I chose this quote today for a few reasons. First, I love the title Dharma Bums. (I liked the novel, just not as much as the title). Second, I just started reading “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” and it reminded me of “On the Road” (same author). Third, we are talking about loving-kindness lately. And forth, I just finished a book that talks about the way we treat each other being more important than religion. (Plus I love the Dalai Lama quote “My religion is very simple, my religion is kindness“, and it relates to this quote).

But a final reason I chose this is because I will be away the next few days, away from technology, and to some extent in the wilderness. (ok, so maybe not wilderness, but away from technology, lol). I plan to keep up my Metta practice, to continue to sit in meditation on loving-kindness throughout my trip. I hope that those of you who are also practicing this are experiencing the same type of mindfulness and calmness and peace that I am. If not, keep at it, it will come. Science has proven that meditation affects neurotransmission. Just relax, be kind to yourself, and keep practicing. It is not a race, it is not a contest. It is simply some time taken for you.

Enjoy.

4. We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. The Dalai Lama

This seems rather commonsensical to me. As I’ve been stating, the first goal of Metta practice is to feel loving-kindness for yourself, to foster a sense of self-acceptance and love. It is the same with peace. If I cannot be peaceful on the inside, how can I expect to exist in a peaceful world?

I do not believe this quote is simply about war and countries, and the such. To me it is also about your personal world. How many of us have a chaotic life? This past semester I taught a course on personal growth, and several of the chapter referred to people being “crazy busy”. Most of the students agreed that they were crazy busy, and others admitted if they weren’t, they surely behaved as if they were. This is where this quote and meditation practice can come in. I’m not sure how many of my readers are practicing meditation, but it has definitely had an impact on my days. I have been calmer, and I believe more loving toward the masses since practicing Metta practice. I encourage all to try it for this month.

Enjoy.

3. First you have to look deeply into the nature of your anger, despair, and suffering to free yourself, so you can be available to others. Thich Nhat Hanh

The first step in Metta (Loving-kindness) practice is to focus on yourself. This quote, by the author of over 20 books related to Buddhist teachings, demonstrates the importance of looking within.

As a therapist I consider one of my primary responsibilities to the client is to help them foster a sense self acceptance. So many people come to treatment ashamed of themselves. I’m not saying they’re ashamed of something they did, but I speak of a more profound shame of who they are. There is such a tendency in this culture (and others I am sure) of putting on a facade. When some people view this facade in others, they assume that person is better, healthier, or more together than they are. They also put on a facade, but underneath is a shame they aren’t as good, worthy, or healthy as others.

Metta practice is an excellent start at removing the shame, and beginning self acceptance. Continued practice can take you beyond self acceptance to self love, and the practice of taking care of yourself. You would be amazed at how much time is spent in therapy encouraging clients to take care of themselves, take time for themselves, nurture themselves.

Enjoy your practice.

2. The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom in a happy mind. Ella Wheeler Wilcox

This seems like a good quote to continue the theme of loving kindness, especially beginning with oneself. I have been engaging in sitting meditation on loving-kindness and it has definitely helped me be mindful of practicing loving-kindness throughout the day. I hope some of you will join me in the practice (if you are on facebook you can join the group “May is for Metta” and the group leader will provide daily readings). I will also be focusing some of my quotes for the month on this topic, as I believe it can be very beneficial.

1. If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete. Jack Kornfield.
Today is the first day of May, and I joined a group on Facebook called “May is for Metta”. It is a group where daily meditation practice (and hopefully mindful practice throughout the rest of the day) focuses on Metta, the ultimate in loving-kindness. Metta, as the Facebook group leader Beth Shekinah Terrence describes it, is the type of love a mother has for a child. The goal is to foster this love for all of humanity. It seems, as the quote above suggests, this starts with yourself.
I hope to post some thoughts regularly this month focusing on this topic. (I am away for a few days at the end of this week, likely without a computer). I also intend to practice sitting meditation daily this month. I hope you will join me in this practice. I strongly encourage you to hurry up and join the group on Facebook as well. It is open for membership until Monday, so hurry. Ms. Beth Shekinah Terrence will be posting and emailing suggestions, and it seems a wonderful opportunity to take time for yourself and begin some meditation practice.
Enjoy.

Photo by Alexi Berry

I am finishing a book called “The God part of the Brain” (review to follow). In it the author offers a quote by Freud: “God is the exalted father, and the longing for the father is the root of all religion.” The purpose of this article is not to debate the root of religion. When I read this my thoughts went to the recent views of God I have heard and seen. There is a Shaggy song and a Richie Sambora song that ask if God is a woman. There is a Lou Bega song and a speech by Jon Bon Jovi that claims God is a woman. And there is a song by the band “Humane” that wishes God is a woman. There is the movie “Dogma” where God is played by a woman. Generally these are all references to the western idea of God, and this list does not include the many female deities or Goddesses of other religions.
While thinking of Freud’s statement I thought it may be dated. Freud went on to say “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” In thinking about these statements and what individuals today might long for, I remembered these references to God being female. I began to wonder if there wasn’t something telling about this trend toward a feminine God.
In Freud’s day the gender roles were much stricter. Men were more clearly what we would define as masculine, and women were expected to be much more in line with what we consider feminine. The world was perhaps a scarier place (although this is a weak spot in my argument, as today’s world might be viewed as equally scary). Men were more likely to remain married, stayed around to rear the children, and were likely perceived as the protector of the family. Times have changed.
My suggestion is that perhaps in Freud’s day his statement was very true. Perhaps the benefits of perceiving a male deity, which would protect (and as I was taught punish harshly) were what was sought by those who worshiped in the western religions. This to me begs the question then, why so many references to a female western god these days?
My answer is a simple one, and one more gained from personal experience than anything else. Perhaps we are more welcoming of a feminine version of the western god because of distaste for the perception of masculinity in this era. Perhaps rather than looking to be protected by the all powerful perception of god, our culture is looking more toward the nurturance of a mother figure. Rather than a father figure, who may not be around, who is susceptible to fits of rage, who perhaps has punished harshly; this era is looking for the ideal female protector. A strong feminine model that is capable of protection, but also of loving and nurturance.
As I focus this month on the practice of Metta, the practice of loving-kindness, the type of love a parent has for a child, I think also of what type of love I have most longed for in my life. The unconditional love of a healthy mother seems to me to be the most perfect love there is. So what better representation for an all powerful deity than a woman?
As I teach in Introduction to Psychology, the gender roles of this generation are becoming more androgynous. Men are more nurturing, and women are much more likely to be independent, perceived as strong, and otherwise demonstrative of qualities that used to be more attributed to men. Perhaps later we will see god depicted with both male and female sex traits, or otherwise androgynous, like Pat from SNL.

Art by Alexi Berry

I recently watched the critically acclaimed movie “Up in the Air.” When it was over and I had time to ruminate about it, I wondered what the point of the movie was. What was the author trying to say about human existence? If you haven’t seen it and plan to, you want to stop reading now. I hope you’ll return following your viewing of it. In this article I will discuss what I found to be the meaning of it film and some of the pivotal moments I believe support my interpretation.
A little while into the movie, George Clooney’s character (Ryan Bingham) meets the young apprentice (played by Anna Kendrick, character Natalie). While she is challenging his lifestyle of superficial relationships, one of her challenges is “do you want to die alone?” Ryan replies after some other discussion, “make no mistake, we all die alone.” This is a telling piece of dialogue, as it seems to resonate with the existential theme of the movie.
Ryan’s firm is hired when a company needs people fired, and they don’t want to do it themselves. Ryan is one of the best at feigning concern and trying to make the transition more palatable for the terminated employee. He does this by creating an artificial and brief bond. He describes his job as something like ushering lost souls out of the darkness so they can see the light of hope, then pushing them out of the boat and making them swim.
Ryan leads a solitary life by any standards. He is on the road (or in the air) most days of the year. His absence from the family is evident when his sister has her boyfriend’s uncle giving her away at the wedding rather than him. Ryan avoids family phone calls despite his approaching sisters wedding. He is single and has no significant romantic relationship, although you can decide if he develops one during the movie. He has no friends identified during the length of the film. He also gives lectures called “What’s in your Backpack” during which he advocates “carrying” as little as possible. He describes human relationships as the heaviest possession anyone carries. His belief system advocates being free from relational and possession “baggage”.
If you have seen the film the above statements are all obvious. No interpretation is needed. Now I’d like to look a little deeper into the movie. First, every relationship in the movie is a failed one, with the exception of his sister whose wedding is taking place in the movie. He has another sister who is separated from her husband. His young apprentice gave up a lucrative job in San Francisco to follow her boyfriend to Omaha, and he dumped her via text message. The woman who shows potential as a love interest for Ryan is married. In essence there isn’t one successful long-term relationship portrayed in film. This seems to indicate that the movie realizes that relationships are transitory, a lot like the movie’s main character.
But I do not believe this is the point of the movie. It is my contention that the point of the movie is that although many relationships end and many others are artificial, that these relationships still make life better. Beyond this theme I believe another is that everyone seeks a sense of belonging.
There are two pivotal moments in the movie that support my contention about the first theme. The first is when Ryan speaks to his sister’s fiancé when he gets cold feet the day of the wedding. The groom asks Ryan what the point of life is. Ryan, after stumbling for words a bit, says there is no point. Time is going to pass, you are going to grow old, and you will die. But then he beckons him, “think about the happiest days in your life. Were you alone?” As the conversation develops it becomes obvious the best times in the groom’s life were with others. There is no mention of who he was with, and no evidence this is important. Simply the fact he was with others makes life better.
A second pivotal moment is when Ryan has his big opportunity in speaking about “What is in Your Backpack”. Most of his lectures are small time, with only a few attendees. He gets invited to speak in Las Vegas, and comes out to a big room packed with people. He begins his spiel but seems to realize he’s not feeling the same and decides not to continue the lecture. He leaves before getting too far into his presentation to visit the woman he’s feeling some attachment to. This doesn’t go well. Yet you get the idea that this is important to the theme of the movie: although he won’t be settling down with her, the temporary connection, or simply the interaction, is what made life better for that time.
The event in the movie that leads me to believe that a second theme is a sense of belonging is that Ryan, even in all of his self proclaimed healthy isolation, wants to belong. The people at the airline check-in welcome him by name because of his status with them. His goal is to attain enough miles to be a member in a more elite club than those who have walked on the moon; those that have attained 10,000,000 miles, is further evidence of this. He eventually becomes number seven in this club. Perhaps it is his disconnection from most common forms of relationship that makes him want to be accepted in one so elite. Regardless of the motivation, he wants to belong somewhere.
As a final argument to my contention about the meaning of the movie I ask the reader to reflect on the internet firings that are the impetus behind the plot of the movie. The character Natalie is a wunderkind. She develops a way to save the company millions. Rather than flying all over the country, these specialists can simply use an internet hook-up which allows face to face (via computer) interaction to do their firing. Think about this a minute. A person who you do not know and have never seen at the company is already firing you. Now, it is being done via the internet. What was your first reaction to this when you watched the movie (or read it here)? Mine was absolutely negative. What I find important about this is that by feeling the internet firing is so outrageous, I am buying into the fact that a brief and feigned bond is better than the seemingly colder experience of an internet firing. This is also evident in Natalie’s boyfriend breaking up with her via text message. The theme is consistent in this film. Some things are better in person, even if they still are difficult and horrendously unpleasant.
Although I was not as enthralled with the movie as many of the critics I heard or read, I do believe it makes an excellent point: human connection, even through brief and artificial bonds, make life more enjoyable (or tolerable, depending on your perspective). Additionally, even when relationships don’t last forever, as I’ve discussed many times in prior articles, they are still essential to life and beneficial to the growth process. I have two questions for those that saw the movie: At the end of the movie Ryan stands in front of a board with flights and destinations. Was he going back to work as usual, or taking his young apprentice’s advice and cashing in some miles to go somewhere else in the world? If he was going back to work, did he return to his speech about the backpack? I’d love to hear your interpretation and comments.